Eclipsing Drago, the Son of Shendu

Drago was the major villain of Jackie Chan Adventures season five. The son of the early-seasons villain Shendu, he was, like his father, a Fire Dragon Demon Sorcerer. Unlike his father, outside of being a demon-dragon who wanted to gain vast powers and take over the world, he was a fairly typical obnoxious, overconfident, impatient, and easily-manipulated teenager. As such his usual pattern was to find a new source of extra power (on the show the relics of his aunts and uncles “Demon Chi”) and try to grab it – ushering in a battle with the heroes who always turned up at about the same time. Sometimes he got a hold of his new power source and sometimes not – but either way he’d wind up without it at the end and yet would manage to escape. Eventually he managed to get a hold of several powers at the same time – and was still defeated, although that time it took more effort.

Drago was fought to a standstill more than once by a random bystander who accidentally absorbed some Demon Chi – granting them powers more or less equal to his, but no skill in using them. That alone made it pretty obvious that he wasn’t particularly skilled either. He was, however, very strong, agile, and fast (at least compared to a normal human being), had a scaly armored hide and a tail to smack people with, could sense demonic powers, and could project potent blasts of fire. Given a little time and some appropriate foci he could work a fair number of dark magical rituals and even a few quicker spells – albeit mostly focused on moving demonic powers from one host to another.

When he did acquire additional demonic powers they were pretty limited as well – amounting to little more than some basic elemental manipulation. With Water powers he could shoot blasts of water, create whirlpools around himself, and make big waves. With Gravity powers he could levitate and (I think) employ basic Telekinesis. With Thunder powers he could project lightning and absorb natural lightning to enhance himself.

Presumably there was more potential than THAT in those powers, but it’s not like he ever got to spend much time experimenting with them. He never got to keep them for very long and he spent a lot more of his time trying to find a base other than the local junkyard and trying to find some minions who were tolerably competent and didn’t want to backstab him (he never really managed to do either).

And if that doesn’t seem too impressive, it’s because it shouldn’t. Drago could be a serious threat if he got a hold of the components for a major ritual, or actually managed to hang onto several sets of powers – but for the most part he was fighting an elderly ritualist (most of Uncle’s direct spells looked like level one or two), a fast and highly skilled – but still entirely human and fairly low level – martial artist, a kid, and a big guy who was an apprentice mage. Drago had claws, fangs, and fire breath capable of destroying cars in a single blast – and yet apparently the closest he came to seriously hurting someone was leaving them in his Fathers way in a future timeline that never actually came to pass.

While I can’t say that I’ve seen much of the actual show past the first season, I have seen Drago’s first appearance with Future Jade on youtube – and it gave me a distinct angry-ex-boyfriend impression. He might have grown a bit past that in the next season, but the Wiki’s don’t really show it – and it would explain why the Chan’s kept letting him get away. If you’ve got to have a villain in your life… if you can’t get Colonel Klink, Catwoman, or Megamind, an angry and basically ineffectual teenager who spends a lot of combat time on banter is probably your next best choice.

So to build him I’ll start with the…

Fire Dragon Demon Sorcerer Template:

  • Draconic Toughness: +3d4 Hit Dice (24 CP) and +4 CP towards enlarging their first hit die (thus getting a d4 even as an infant) (4 CP). While extra hit points are always nice, this is because you need at least 4 hit dice to qualify for shapeshifting to a Deinonychus, below.
  • Heritage Of The Ancient Dragons: Shapeshift, with Dire (allowing dinosaurs – specifically Deinonychus), Attribute Modifiers, Hybrid Form, and Clear Speech, Specialized and Corrupted for Reduced Cost (9 CP) / cannot actually change forms, obvious humanoid dragon, easily identifiable, blatant predator, causes considerable social problems (9 CP).

This provides 60′ Ground Movement and natural weapons, replaces his physical racial attribute modifiers with Str +8, Dex +4, Con +8, and grants him +5 Natural Armor, Low-Light Vision, Scent, and Pounce. This is grossly exploitative, even beyond the usual Shapeshift cheese. While that doesn’t really matter for an NPC who’s “level” is entirely arbitrary, this is only really suitable for player characters in games using the Superheroic World Template (where this sort of thing is useful, but minor) or SciFi settings where things like mecha, power armor, and vehicle combat seriously overshadow personal physical abilities.

  • Fire Demon C’hi: Witchcraft I and II (12 CP), 1d6 Mana as 3d6 Power (6 CP), and Rite of C’hi with +4 Bonus Uses, Both Specialized for Reduced Cost / only to restore Power (6 CP). This gives him access to three basic abilities, as follows:
    • Witchfire, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (Range and Damage) Fire Creation Only, cannot use pre-existing flames, create prestidigitation effects, extract essences, infuse drugs or toxins, or for any other application. Note that this can be quite powerful – but the rather low Save DC (14) means that most targets can dodge quite effectively, escaping injury entirely if they happen to have Evasion.
    • Witchsight, Specialized and Corrupted / Drago may detect C’hi / Magic – and only C’hi / Magic – at no cost and gets occasional “visions” of sources of power that he can go after, but cannot sharpen his senses, give himself Darksight, Scent, or other special sensory powers, or use any other Witchsight functions.
    • Healing, Specialized in Self-Healing for Double Effect. Drago DOES recover very quickly.
  • Absorbing Demon Chi: Witchcraft/The Path Of Spirits/Ridden By The Loa, Specialized and Corrupted for Reduced Cost / Must find a unique source of power to absorb, powers can be stripped away, by counterspells and make him vulnerable to banishment and dismissal spells, no more than +1 ECL of template per power source. Templates do not, however, cost Power to maintain when not in use (2 CP).

At a total of 63 CP this is a +1 ECL Template – and grossly overpowered for it’s cost. Of course, in a world of normal people… he’s a dragonman. His career choices are basically Circus Freak, Cloistered Monk, or Supervillain. He’s lonely enough to give his minions another chance even after they betray him, to spend a good deal of time bantering with his enemies, and to make “bringing more dragons to earth and be respected” be his major life goal. That’s really kind of sad.

Drago

Would-Be World Conquerer

Level One (ECL 2) Fire Dragon Demon Sorcerer

Basic Attributes: Str 14 (22), Dex 14 (18), Con 14 (22), Int 13, Wis 14, and Cha 12 (Pathfinder 25-Point Buy).

Available Character Points: 48 (Level One Base) +10 (Disadvantages: Accursed (opponents always show up as soon as he gets close to obtaining something good), Broke (Variant; no matter what base Drago acquires, he always winds up back in the junkyard), and Inept (Charisma Based Skills)) +6 (Level One Bonus Feat) = 64 CP.

Basics (23 CP):

  • Hit Dice: 16 (L1d16, 8 CP (+4 for Template)) +12 (extra 3d4 at L1, Template) +24 (4 x Con Mod) = 52 HP.
  • Skill Points: 6 (Purchased, 6 CP) + 4 (Int) = 10 SP.
  • BAB +1, Specialized in Melee Combat (3 CP).It’s largely instinctive at this point, but Drago is a reasonably effective brawler.
  • Saves:
    • Fortitude +0 (0 CP) +6 (Con) = +6
    • Reflex +2 (6 CP) +4 (Dex) = +6
    • Will +0 (0 CP) +1 (Wis) = +1
  • Proficiencies: None. Drago relies on his massive strength, natural weapons, armored hide, and fire-blasts in combat – which is actually pretty reasonable. If I had those advantages and fought unarmed martial artists a lot, I’d probably tend to rely heavily on them too.
  • Initiative: +4 (Dex)
  • Move: 60
  • Armor Class: 10 (Base) +5 (Natural) +4 (Dex) +2 (Leathers) +2 (Martial Art) = 23.

Preferred Weapons:

  • Talons/Tail/Claws: +7/+7, 1d8+6 (Lethal or Nonlethal). Can Pounce.

Other Abilities (41 CP):

  • Ritual Magic (Legends of High Fantasy style, 6 CP). Dragon can work powerful rituals if he can find the ingredients for them – but otherwise can only produce fairly basic spell effects.
  • Power Words, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect / only to store personally-generated ritual effects (6 CP). Given time Drago can store up to five minor and three major ritually-generated effects. Usually he has a few for gathering Demon C’hi, but he’s not really very good at loading up with other useful effects in advance. He’s got the standard teenager lack of forethought.
  • Leadership, Specialized for Increased Effect (Drago gets some basic minions, even though he’s too low-level and low-charisma to qualify for any) / His minions are unreliable, and are likely to betray him if he seems weak (6 CP). He usually has three apparently teenage minions: “Strikemaster Ice”, the pizza delivery guy, “D.J. Fist”, the mechanic, and “M.C. Cobra” the video gamer. Sure, they were competent martial artists – but even working together they were no real match for Jackie Chan after the surprise wore off. And Drago still took them back after they tried to backstab him.
  • Returning, Specialized for Reduced Cost / Drago can’t actually return from death, but he does show quite a knack for evading or getting out of jail. If the series hadn’t ended he might even have made it back from the netherworld (3 CP).
  • Luck with +2 Bonus Uses (9 CP). Drago usually gets lucky a few times in each episode. Then, of course, his luck runs out and he gets beaten.
  • Universal Damage Reduction 2/-, Specialized for Double Effect (4/-, versus both physical and energy damage) / only to convert normal damage to nonlethal damage. Drago gets knocked out a lot, but rarely seems to get too badly hurt (3 CP).
  • Witchcraft/Path of Water/Spirits Of The Deep, Specialized and Corrupted for Reduced Cost / only to share a bit of his current “demon chi” powers with mortals, only works on followers gained through Leadership, bestowed templates are never better than +1 ECL, bestow a very limited set of abilities, and have obvious physical effects (2 CP). This probably gets upgraded with a few points later on, making it cheaper to use and longer lasting instead of buying off those limitations.
  • Adept (may purchase Acrobatics, Dragon Brawling Martial Art, Ritual Magic, and Escape Artist for half cost), 6 CP).

Skills:

  • Acrobatics +4 (2* SP) +4 (Dex) = +8
  • Dragon Brawling +4 (2* SP) +6 (Str) = +10
    • Known Abilities (5): Defenses +2, Strike (can do lethal or nonlethal damage with his natural weapons), Toughness II (Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect / only protects against the energy forms linked with his current set of powers – at base, fire only. This does stack with his base damage reduction however – so he normally ignores the first six points of fire damage and converts the next four points to nonlethal damage. That’s quite enough to ignore most normal fires).
  • Ritual Magic +4 (2* SP) +1 (Int) = +5. Drago really can’t do much beyond minor tricks without rare magical ingredients even WITH the use of Luck.
  • Escape Artist: +4 (2* SP) +4 (Dex) = +8
  • Linguistics: +1 (1 SP) +1 (Int) = +2. Drago speaks English and Mandarin.

Specific Knowledge: Demon C’hi (1 SP). Drago doesn’t know a lot, but he’s fairly knowledgeable on this topic.

In more serious settings Drago is probably best used as an unwanted suitor/villain, a comic relief villain, as a redeemable villain, or in some other reoccurring semi-enemy role. If you want to use him as the big bad guy, he’ll need a bunch of levels and some MUCH better plans and minions.

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Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part VI – The Mendaciously Meandering Miasmic Morus Maze of Meticulously Mangled Mutinous Management Maxims

Previously on the Aggravating Pony Overlord Channel…

  1. If someone says “This isn’t a cartoon!” I will glance at myself and say “Really?” in a questioning tone. If they have been amusing enough so far I will add a horrified “OH NOOOOOOO!!!!” and teleport away, leaving only a slowly dissolving after-image of myself with an expression of horror on it’s face!
  2. If any of my kids fall in love, I will make sure that their crush is a reasonably decent sort and is not just using them! If that checks out, the pair (or group, it’s not like I don’t keep a harem!) will be supplied with plentiful travel funds, reservations wherever, contraceptives (if desired) and toys of choice (if any) and told to go for it! Sex is fun, grandchildren are great, and it’s not like I’M a model of decorum!
  3. If I am confronting an Eldritch Abomination I shall remember that I qualify as a Cute Eldritch Abomination myself, and there shall be tea and cookies! And possibly dancing! I haven’t done the Lord Of The Shoggoths Line Dance Show since the last Eldritch Elder Invasion!
  4. If dealing with Vampires, Werewolves, Mummies, or some similar potentially sensible horror-movie creature I will talk first! If forced, I will point out that – while they are good at terrorizing normal humans – I am at LEAST a cartoon superhero wizard and can put them in the core of the sun, toss them into a black hole, or banish them to some eldritch elder dimension if I have to!
  5. I shall train my own ninja, pirates, and ninja-pirates, starting with adorably fluffy kittens and puppies! That way when my ninja puppy trips an opponent out a window, cuddles will be entirely appropriate!
  6. I will disguise myself (perhaps with a mustache, hat, or glasses!) and join any team of heroes gathered to oppose me, proclaiming myself to be my heroic dimensional alternate, a counterbalancing mystic force, arcane rival, or some such! That will let me know what’s going on, help keep the heroes gainfully employed, and – if and when I successfully help overthrow myself – I will be starting off in the upper tier of the successor government and will doubtless be the only one with administrative skills, and so I shall continue my rule with a fresh start, new public support, friendly heroes, and without interruption!
  7. I will encourage my kids to be rebellious scamps who sneak out to go adventuring – but only after I have arranged for some reasonable form of immortality for them and a nigh-unbreakable magical link so that I can pull them out of messes! But I will mostly get the heroes to do it! They will never be able to resist rescuing a bunch of youngsters running away from an Evil Overlord if no one tells them that they’re trying to escape school and bedtime! Of course, if any of the kids turn out to be incompetent dimwits, I shall shunt them to suitable pointless positions! I am an Aggravating Overlord, I can be as nepotistic as I wish, and they’re still my kids!
  8. I shall not be a corrupt CEO or any other style of corrupt leader! I am a Wealthy, Immortal, Decadent, Pleasure-Seeking, Superheroic Unicorn Wizard! What will being corrupt get me that I can’t have already anyway? Smoother ice cream?
  9. Trampling my foes beneath my hooves will ruin my hooficure! Blood splatters look terrible on my coat! Screams of agony spoil the music! There will be none of that barbaric nonsense in my realm! If something along those lines is absolutely required for some reason there is always Vogon Poetry!
  10. If I am told that I am an alien, descendant of an eldritch power, heir to something, the prophesied one, part of some deal with the underworld, or anything similar, I will start laughing! I escaped from a cartoon into reality and created both myself and fifty generations of my family history from pure fanfiction and egotism, and I didn’t include any of THAT nonsense! (Except when I did! I am a Cartoon! Consistency is not one of my major attributes!)
  11. I will hit on female opponents with combat propositions! They’re already attacking me, so what have I got to lose? And it’s not like anyone can seriously attack someone who is currently reeling from a smack with a hammerspace mallet! It would be unsporting and would break the running gag!
  12. I will knock loudly – and repeatedly – and announce my presence before entering a sauna, bath, hot pool, or similar establishment . This will save me from getting unavoidably whacked with hammers and things until I’ve had time to actually make at least one indecent proposition!
  13. I will not go for the domineering, master of sex slaves routine, or any similar perverse cliche, unless some of the mares in the harem request them for a role-playing night! It’s not like I have any shortage of willing partners who want to try out quirks!
  14. Listen very carefully, I shall say ‘zis only once! Watching the heroes try to figure out just what you might be suggesting with an innuendo involving wet celery, egg whisks, and flying helmets is amusing enough that I shall use the mysterious perverse quirk routine! After all, it worked for Allo Allo!
  15. My allies do not all have to be ponies! Griffins and other monsters work fine too! There is much to be said for diversity and a combined lack-of-arms strategy!
  16. If I am having a flashback, I shall drag everyone else into it with me! I am immune to paradox, but I bet that most of the heroes are not!
  17. If the heroes attempt to send a comic relief character who always bumbles their way to victory against me, I shall allow the kids to join the ensuing pie fight and clown-off, with the victor being whoever can raise the most money for charity! Given that my funds are nigh limitless and that the power of heart will be on my side, my “victory” is inevitable – and the comic relief can return to the heroes and announce that he or she was defeated, but the battle nevertheless raised a great deal of money for orphaned children!
  18. Fanboys and Fangirls will be offered harem jobs if they’re qualified and cute enough! If they are not they will be sent to places so distant that no one there has ever heard of me to spread the word (whatever they think THAT to be). Hero-worshiping playthings can be a lot of fun and it’s not like they’re ever going to be anything but a hindrance in any other role!
  19. If I am (somehow!) actually being overthrown and cannot escape, I will act like a petulant five year old and embarrass the heroes as much as possible! If I can manage to convince them that I have been a disposable figurehead all along, so much the better. To this end, there will be some sinister figure lurking nearby, to attack (machine gun, grenades, whatever) and injure (but certainly not kill) both some heroes AND myself, shout something unintelligible about “DOOM!”, and then make a cackling escape of its own. Given that this will be a well-shielded summoning protected from divination, and will vanish as soon as it’s out of sight, they will never catch it!
  20. If I ever feel the need to wear a mask, it will be a classic domino affair, suitable for parties or Zorro! It will be conceal my identity just as well as some elaborate demonic mask of power (Unicorn, remember?), is far less likely to attract swords of bullets, and is far, FAR, more stylish! And, as a bonus, you can nuzzle other ponies just fine while wearing it!
  21. The only acceptable reason for approaching the Moral Event Horizon is to cast “Reverse Gravity” on the ethical singularity, and ascend past wherever the heroes stand on the good-guy scale on the resulting cosmic eruption of virtue, thus leaving them with no reason to object to my sudden transcendence!
  22. If someone actually manages to badly hurt me, I shall do a dramatic death scene and dissolve into little sparkling lights. I regenerate quickly – even if killed – ANYWAY and I do need to use SOME special effect for my teleportation and dimension hopping! Who says that it CAN’T it be “leaving everyone with the impression of a dramatic death scene”?
  23. I am not limited by logistics, rationality, or sanity, and I shall not assume that the heroes are either! Numbers mean nothing! Of course, if I am up against a reasonable hero, there is something to be said for targeting his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and other supplies. Reasonable heroes seem to think that they need that kind of stuff!
  24. Family time takes priority over nefarious plotting! When I am busy attending a wedding, birthday, anniversary, or any other events important to wives, concubines, or children, the heroes can just come back tomorrow! After all, if they try anything at that point, they will be on the wrong side of so many tropes that I probably will not have to lift a hoof! Which is good, because one is occupied with a mare and the other with my drink!
  25. If a popular and known-to-be-fictional hero appears to stop me, I shall play along with their cliches rather than getting into an existential debate! After all, I’M fictional and I managed to sneak into reality, so there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have managed it too!
  26. Non one ever defeats an Overlord until he or she has used every weapon in his or her arsenal! So I will have a wide variety of powers (and every possible flavor of pie) and will keep adding more – including some that I can swap out! That way any heroes will have to work their way through an infinite list before they can defeat me!
  27. I will not attempt to “steal” Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Memorial Day, Boxing Day, Independence Day, or any other popular holiday! Instead I shall invite their avatars over for tea and become well-known for my generous support of such festivities! For no attack launched on someone celebrating a holiday is ever successful and that will both give me a day off and provide a reasonable chance of watching the heroes battle Santa or the Easter Bunny! The home movies will keep me laughing for YEARS!
  28. Super-Soldiers, Proud-Warrior-Race-Guys, and Villainous Henchmen only become effective AFTER they turn on their Creators, Manipulators, or Masters! Therefore I shall only recruit them on the rebound from whoever was trying to use them! Then they can teach the kids!
  29. I shall study the Greats! Overlords like Aku, Bavmorda, Ahab, Hook, Jareth, Megamind, Zod, Kurgan, Kahn, and Ming! They REALLY knew how to ham it up and chew the scenery – and I am quite possibly MADE OF HAM and I EAT scenery!
  30. If a serious villain turns up to spread evil and misery, or kidnaps one of my kids, or otherwise interrupts my aggravating overlordship, I shall join forces with the heroes right away! After all, I am protected from heroism by the power of the farce – and can give the heroes a nice fruit basket! But when it comes to defeating serious villains, that’s what heroes do!
  31. I will keep the air conditioner running, levels of alcohol in my system that would be lethal for any normal creature, and enjoy my ability to always stay nice and clean and my cartoon immunity to disease! Whatever it is that causes Villain Decay, I’m not catching it!
  32. If the heroes are the offspring of my lieutenants, I shall ensure that they get safe visitation days and college funds and give their younger siblings having part-time jobs as pages in my household so that they can throw water balloons at their older siblings whenever they get too serious. Nothing spoils a heroic narrative like a six-year-old sibling with a water balloon!
  33. If someone leaves a giant statue of me or any other creature outside my gates I will call up some builders and landscapers and turn it into the centerpiece of a carnival honoring myself! If someone is hiding inside, I will ensure that the exit is stuck until the evening rush and that all nearby restrooms are coin operated!
  34. If a God or Goddess is intervening to assist my opponents I will adjourn to the realms of the gods to find out what their problem is! I don’t stick my nose into THEIR portfolios, and even if I’m not a member of THEIR pantheon, I expect a similar level of respect when I’m being aggravating! Which is in itself aggravating! RECURSION FOR THE WIN!
  35. All the enhancement potions, super-soldier serums, and similar boosting effects that I give to my minions will be short-term only. Anyone who wants something permanent will have to buy it in the gift shop or volunteer to get experimented on! After all, such things ALWAYS exact a price proportionate to the power that they provide, and better it be “powered up for a few hours before taking a day off to sleep” than “go permanently insane with permanent super powers” unless that’s really what they want!
  36. Traveling performers and such can book the music hall down the block! If they want to perform for ME they can get accredited, build up a reputation and a repertoire, submit an application and a proposal, and go through a security check just like everyone else! Or they can get a recommendation from Leisure Suit Larry! Whichever!.
  37. If some mystic balance must be maintained, I will have a mechanic check it over and then set it spinning! Gyroscopes are a lot more stable! And it can’t be me upsetting it anyway! There are PLENTY of things out there that AREN’T aggravating to balance out me!
  38. If I am having a tantrum, my minions will be fully authorized to hit ME with a pie, and will have orders to do so! Tantrums aren’t really much fun anyway and pie fights make an excellent countermeasure!
  39. I will abuse time travel to train with the great masters! Not only are the arts a nice hobby but it will let me buy a lot of otherwise unknown original works at discount prices to decorate my residence with! Go ahead, blow the place up, destroy priceless pieces of history! At least until I abuse time travel some more to get them back!
  40. If confronted with a sealed cosmic power in a can, an omnipotent artifact of doom, or any similar macguffin I will add a minor fascination charm and a cigarette-lighter charm to it and use it to get free drinks and break the ice with women! The accumulated sleaze will soon drain all narrative importance from it and give me plenty of time to find out if the obvious booby trap is actually somehow useful!
  41. My citizens shall be well-educated, so that any would-be rebels will be able to realize that the odds are against them and that they have hundreds of other options! That way they can bog down endlessly in debates, discussions, and petitions!
  42. If I am engaged in a war, SOMEONE is losing their job! All conflicts come down to a tiny band of heroic adventurers against me anyway, so wars are pointless, messy, and wasteful! Why not just skip to the main event and let the taxpayers (and those cute new girls in my harem) get on with their jobs!
  43. If some terrible entity demands a sacrificial victim that has some special quality, I shall find a more reasonable entity that is willing to take a retainer and work for cash or just for the LOL’s! It’s a big multiverse and there is no need to work with obnoxious, demanding, occult entities when there are plenty of more reasonable ones out there!
  44. There is nothing like existential confusion to aggravate people! I shall leave both my subjects and the heroes opposing me hopelessly confused at every opportunity; and preferably unsure as to whether I am good or evil or just crazy! Consistency is for Overlords who aren’t cartoons!
  45. I will ensure that all heroes have evil (and grandstanding, if not especially effective) twins and vice versa! It will help keep things interesting if no one knows who is who!
  46. I will have an Evil Grand Vizier, of the sort who will advise everyone that he or she is a treacherous master of exotic poisons, twirl his villainous mustache or peer through her villainous spectacles at them, and then offer everyone tea and cookies that he or she had especially made!
  47. When some terrible quest needs to be accomplished, I shall send off the youngest kid who’s successfully completed an immortality ritual and a linking effect! Those things are most fun when you’re young and it’s always the youngest one who goes who succeeds anyway! I shall also give them a cat! Those always help!
  48. I will invite a selection of witches, fairy godmothers, mysterious gypsies, and similar occult types to my kids parties! Some suitably modified curses and blessings make a fine basis for pretty much any fantastic fantasy career!
  49. If any gods or goddesses want me to judge something, or decide who is best at something, or otherwise settle something, I shall remain utterly flippant! If they wanted a serious opinion on something they wouldn’t have come to ME!
  50. There shall be monster preserves with a limited number of no-kill monster fighting permits available for heroes to practice their skills! You never know when you’re going to need either a hero or a monster or a pair of them who have had a recent bonding experience!

And hopefully the various time-sinks that have kept me from writing for the past month have been dealt with…

Prince Bluebloods Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part V – The Palatial Personal Parlor Of Perilously Prepared Pretentious Proverbs

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

And today it’s more Pony Overlord rules, for those times that you just want to be irritating…

  1. All of my guest quarters shall actually be miles away and linked to my fortress by an authorized-use-only teleportation doorway with guard-operators standing by all night! Servants, kitchens, air conditioning vents, and so on will be purely local, so anyone who wants to get out and sneak around can stealthily explore the wrong place entirely!
  2. Members of my legions will get free training and tuition as well as substantial pay raises for increasing their qualifications! Adding things like “Lay Therapist”, “Hostage Negotiator”, or “Plumber” will be strongly encouraged! I want the general public to assume that my guards are omni-competent and can be turned to to resolve any problem and I want heroes to have to deal with guards who will be attempting psychotherapy and non-violent conflict resolution between pies!
  3. Everybody thinks that plans calling for intervention from magic unicorns are impractical, but I shall show them that they are wrong!
  4. Occasionally I will dig out and erect a massive crypt-dungeon, filled with formidable defenses, clever traps, and terrible monsters, then ceremoniously hide a locked and warded chest in the central crypt, offering no public explanation! The chest will hold a supply of glasses and good liquor, a high-quality first aid kit, a random bonus prize, and personally signed certificates of graduation from the Blueblood Academy for Adventurers. I will then offer to hire graduates if I ever need an artifact or something retrieved from an ancient temple of doom, liche’s crypt, or similar location.
  5. My employees will have decent tailoring, good grooming, elocution lessons, regular visits to the spa, and decent hygiene! If they want to act like uncouth barbarians, I shall open a gate to Valhalla and see if Odin would like to run an exchange program for some bored Einherjar who would like to try a modern deathstyle for a bit and train with modern weapons and pies!
  6. I will instruct my fashion designer that – when designing for a pony – it is accessories, not outfits! After all, it’s not like any conceivable outfit could possibly be much of an improvement on ME!
  7. My guards will be perfectly capable of functioning in the dark! Between night-sight gear, spells, training, and blindfolded combat practice it shouldn’t be any problem at all and it will give the visually handicapped a chance to shine!
  8. My stronghold shall be overstaffed, for many hands makes for light work! Outsiders who show up claiming to be there to do maintenance, make repairs, or install special equipment will be directed to appropriate properties around the city that are in need of work! I have lots! Their activities will then be reviewed and rated online! They had best hope that they are actually good at repairs!
  9. When my employees park their vehicles to do something on foot, they will do it in full confidence that attempting to bypass said vehicles biometric security locks will lead to being dosed with knockout gas, entangled with mystic chains, or whatever other random security feature the weekly security competition has put in this week.
  10. I will not add unsuitable females to my harem! One night stands are one thing, but who needs troublemakers in the family?
  11. If my chief engineer upsets me (or gets too frustrated with me using magic to do things) I shall reassign him to the Kerbal Space Program! It’s not like I have a lot of real engineering to be done anyway; I am a magic unicorn pony!
  12. I shall not fill the corridors with traps! I have kids, servants, and hundreds of minions, many of whom will doubtless be injured for every hero who is mildly inconvenienced! Instead there will be occasional clearly labeled dead-end side-corridors leading to nonlethal containment traps that the heroes can assume are protecting something important and meddle with to their hearts content!
  13. If the Girl Scouts are delivering my Thin Mints, a servant will meet them at the door with the required forklift and take them around to the kitchen. They will then be offered tickets to an amusement park, but NOT a tour of my stronghold unless it’s “bring your child to work” day and they happen to be some employees offspring.
  14. When I install “Spiked Deadfalls”, “Scorpion Pits”, “Shark Tanks”, “Piranha Pools”, or any similar “death trap” or “execution” device, they shall actually be illusions over teleportation portals that will drop those who pass through randomly into the homes of energetic old ladies armed with broomsticks, cantankerous old men with shotguns loaded with salt, highly skilled female martial artists who happen to be in the shower, or in front of a monstrous family watching TV who can be counted on to scream “A HUMAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES KIDS, I’LL HOLD IT OFF! CALL THE POLICE!”.
  15. When the heroes inevitably toss ME into one of those “death traps” I shall let my natural background music swell and announce that I have come to grant whoever is there a wish – and presuming that it is at all reasonable, I shall not be a Jackass or even a Literal Genie about it. As a side benefit, when I’m teleporting or dimension hopping, I’m more likely to get a friendly reaction to my abrupt appearance!
  16. While I shall invariably taunt my enemies as I escape, the fact that I usually do so by teleporting or dimension-hopping (at least when no water slide is available) means that such taunts must be prerecorded! They will be delivered by automated Taunt-O-Matic (TM!) systems. Being an Aggravating Overlord calls for the occasional sacrifice!
  17. I will not send out droid, undead, or golem armies against heroes who are reluctant to kill living beings but have no qualms about destroying constructs. Instead I shall place kittens and puppies in need of difficult and lengthy rescue efforts in their way and save the army of constructs for things like dam-building, mining, and other tedious large-scale projects where they might actually accomplish something useful.
  18. I shall not be typecast! My every outfit and hairstyle will be a bold fashion statement and always different! It’s not like they won’t be able to identify me anyway! How many other Aggravating Unicorn Pony Overlords have YOU seen?
  19. My doomsday devices shall have digital timers that reset to various random numbers every few seconds after they are tampered with! When they happen to hit zero there will be a blinding moment of flash photography and the resulting picture will be published with the headline “Blundering “Heroes” Accidentally Trigger “Doomsday Device”. Child’s Birthday Cake Ruined” since any such “Doomsday Device” is actually going to be an elaborate baking oven.
  20. If my guards are defeated in battle, I will route my attackers through several video-game worlds instead! Perhaps they can show me how to get past “Waterfall”, “Animal Antics”, “Ninja Gaiden”, “Dr Wiley’s Castle”, “Aztec”, “The Perfect Run”, “Through the Fire and Flames”, “The Water Temple”, “The Dam”, and :”Turbo Tunnel”!
  21. If I have something the heroes vitally need, and one of them or their hangers-on suddenly offers to warm my bed (and I find them sufficiently appealing), I shall take full advantage of the situation while ensuring that the actual item is in a safety-deposit box in a random bank while I am only carrying a copy! If they’re going to be underhanded, I shall be underhanded too – and I will still get something for my trouble!
  22. I will not triumphantly grab and try to use some ancient mystic/psionic/alien/lost science artifact! Those things never work right until they’ve been analyzed, properly attuned by being “paid for” in some fashion, and put into your inventory! Besides, I wouldn’t be an Overlord if I didn’t have plenty of power and artifacts already!
  23. I will be very selective in my hiring of character assassins! Entirely too many columnists, comedy hosts, and writers will happily turn on you at a moments notice or do hackwork that is all too easily revealed as a hired hit piece!
  24. I shall not conceal my weaknesses! Fine wines, pretty mares, good food, great personal accessories, and more do attract me, while dirt, damage to my hair, incompetent minions, poor hygiene, and noxious odors all repel me! I am, however, neither stupid nor incapable of self-control! I can and will ignore such things when something important is going on!
  25. Any important facilities, storage areas, escape pods, and similar necessities will be found INSIDE my defenses! Leaving important stuff unprotected is asking for it and I do that enough anyway!
  26. I reserve the right to fire minons who are excessively irritating know-it-alls who say “I told you so!” too much! It’s not like ANY plan is likely to hold up when a bunch of crazy heroes comes through anyway, so they’re not exactly making a useful contribution there!
  27. When my mechanisms, spells, rituals, and mad science devices fail, they will do so in great bursts of colored light and loud bangs with symphonic accompaniment! Everypony loves a good fireworks display!
  28. I will employ stone, metal, modern safety techniques, and warding spells to make sure that my stronghold is proof against fire, flood, storms, natural disasters, and various other hazards while requiring minimal maintenance! Cheap construction always costs you more in the long run!
  29. I shall hire some competent people to run my intelligence, census, and similar services! There is no use trying to give orders to make things sillier if you do not know what is going on!
  30. If a hero feels a need to speak to me in person, there is always videoconferencing! Otherwise he or she can await one of my general audience days, just like everybody else! And bring a fruit basket!
  31. I will have many projects going on at once! This is what Delegation and Subdivisions are for! If some heroes disrupt one project, well, there shall be a dozen more that actually get finished!
  32. Drugs, rituals, artifacts, and pacts offering immortality will be carefully examined for difficulty and drawbacks and filed accordingly! While I have Immortality ANYWAY, the kids don’t always inherit it and I can only bestow it up until they move out! If any of them want to put up with whatever drawbacks a given method has (there are always SOME) I will gladly help them get it set up!
  33. Any classical monsters working for me will be provided with new riddles, weaknesses, or vulnerable points! There is no point in having a guardian or enforcer that can be defeated by any kid with access to Google!
  34. Just in case there is a background music failure, I will have a backup background music system installed, complete with an AI to pick something appropriate. What is a good scene without background music?
  35. I will keep my priorities in order! Dramatic Escapes (Family first, and with less drama), Cool Scenes, Being Annoying, Bad Puns, Expanding My Harem, Teaching Moments, Coming Up With Evil Explanations for Nice Deeds, Chocolate Desserts, Ruling Effectively, and Finding More Heroes to Amuse Me, in that order!
  36. If a Hero or (especially!) Heroine starts a transformation sequence, I will wait until it is halfway through to interrupt and point out that they are now naked. If necessary, I will use my powers of transmutation on their clothing to ensure that this is so – and to make sure that it remains true. There’s nothing like a bunch of naked heroes doing a Benny Hill chase scene!
  37. My word is my bond! My Safeword, on the other hand, is Power Word Escape!
  38. Collecting Dread Artifacts of Great Power is always fun until you try to use them for something important, at which point they invariably backfire! I will use them only for trivia, and when a hero steals one because “He does not know what he has his hooves on!” I shall laugh uproariously when it blows up in his or her face! Besides… Aggravating Overlord Vastly Wealthy Influential Magic Cartoon Unicorn Wizard here, remember? It’s not like dread artifacts are going to do much that I can’t find a way to do anyway!
  39. I will make sure that any invisibility devices that I either use or leave around to be stolen will stop working at dramatic moments! What good is a dramatic moment with no audience?
  40. Any robots will have concealed power systems, well inside. The vulnerable external power pack will be a popcorn grenade trap (because a hero who tries this obviously needs more grains!) Set to go off when somebody grabs it!
  41. Zombie, Ghoul, Vampire, Wraith and other undead armies are GROSS. Also useless and prone to going out of control. The necromancer down the block can HAVE them. A squad of scantily dressed lovely cat girls and/or handsome and virile horse boys looking for someone to protect and rescue them from me is FAR more effective at delaying heroes – and lets me get rid of them. Where do the blasted things keep coming from anyway?
  42. I shall not be cheap. What use is being incredibly wealthy if you do not spend your money? Hordes are for dragons, and look how much good they do THEM.
  43. Any idea that crosses my mind will get serious consideration! After all, how can I be stopped if even I do not know what I am up to at any given moment?
  44. If cornered I will break out the emergency eyepatch, pirate shirt, and ninja-to. Then I shall be invincible! Or in a mental hospital. If it works for the Joker, it will work for me!
  45. I shall have small, cute, furry things with big eyes handle my personal security! Even if the heroes should somehow work up a desire to attack, the law of cartoon cute will stop them.
  46. If I must resort to generic villainy, I shall go to a discount club and invest in an entire pallet of the large economy size. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to run out of villainy?
  47. Any offerings of cringing slaves, frightened children, or beautiful young virgin women will be accepted, sorted out by the staff, given meals and appropriate treatment, and either sent home or – if they actually want a job – given the usual security checks and evaluation. (See Legions Of Cuddly, Harem, and Staff). Adults who show up four or more times will be referred to social services! Children who prove to have been around this four or more times will be given a swat on the rear, a good scolding, and a note sent to their parents or social workers! If they have neither they will be assigned some social workers! I am not a babysitting service most of the time!
  48. If I feel a need to demonstrate my utter decadence, ruthless domination, or extreme edginess I will hire in some people to play the necessary roles! The look on the heroes faces when some of the heads “mounted on the wall” ask them how they’re doing is priceless!
  49. Whenever a policeman comes to arrest me, or solo hero tries to capture me, or I am somehow trapped in the company of someone utterly unlike me, I shall consider how amusing they seem likely to be and then either 1) Teleport, or 2) Use my “change genre” power to make it a “Buddy Picture” just in case it wasn’t already.
  50. If the heroes attempt to break or reform me by listing off all my flaws, errors, failures, and bad habits I shall listen closely! They will almost certainly remind me of several fun things that I need to do again!

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part IV – The Glorious Gardens of Gratuitously Garbled Gnomics

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

  1. All my giant monsters will be fitted with appropriate armor, eye protection, and equipment, including automatic healing magic packs! Giant monsters are a fairly expensive bit of lair furnishings, and shall be paid, properly equipped, and provided with healthcare, just like all the other minions!
  2. When recruiting I will favor intelligence, enthusiasm, and youth over accomplishment! It’s not like I’m ever going to be asking my staff to do something reasonable, with precedent, or sane anyway, so imagination will help them a lot more than knowing a long list of reasons why it is impossible to do what I want! Let the heroes get stuck with the old fuddy-duddies who know all the reasons why things won’t work!
  3. All witchy crones, clairvoyant or prophetic hags, mystic hermits, herbalists and brewers of potions, itinerant holy men, fey-touched advisors, occult blacksmiths, runemasters, and similar practitioners of hedge magic, shall be moved into decent country cottages with reliable utilities, picket fences, kitchen gardens, and regularly scheduled landscaping and maintenance services, at no cost. Furthermore, regular supplies of canned goods, new clothing, and soap will be delivered to them in exchange for copious supplies of hangover cures and similar conveniences. Helping to overthrow the Dark Overlord is one thing. Helping to overthrow the landlord who’s letting you stay rent free and is still paying for your services is something else altogether!
  4. Basic military security calls for never telling people more than they need to know at the moment, so that they cannot reveal vital information if captured! Given that I invent entirely new insane plans every few minutes and habitually speculate wildly, every one of my lieutenants will know a dozen different and wildly contradictory plans while I will do whatever comes into my head at the moment! What’s the point of being an Overlord if you can’t change your mind when it suits you?
  5. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic parties suitable for all contingencies, so that no hero will ever be able to make the situation serious enough to support long-term effects or the use of real weapons.
  6. My Legions of Cuddly will have a strong affirmative action policy towards hiring the handicapped! Spells and technology can make up for that kind of thing anyway and there is NOTHING like a headline declaring ““Hero” beats up blind man!” to reduce their public support!
  7. My personal guards shall be extremely attractive. There’s no reason to be pushy or sexually harass them (and lots of reasons not to, starting with having PLENTY of willing sexual partners), but when you’re running an empire you CAN have both competence and decorativeness in one package.
  8. If I have taken someone hostage they will be sent on a comfortable vacation on Hawaii on an alternate timeline at about 20,000 BC. Their position in any hostage drama will be played by an actor, illusion, or faithful minion. That way there will be no risk of actual injury OR of the “weak, helpless, inexperienced, naive, foolish, etc, etc, etc” hostage suddenly doing something useful at the moment of dramatic climax!
  9. I will distribute variously distorted maps of my (ever-changing) secret passages, random dark mystic secrets that “can be my downfall”, terrible summoning rituals, strange weapons and artifacts, and random junk from antique shops run by mysterious elderly oriental gentlemen to assorted aged hermits and hidden locations! First off, what fun is owning first-edition copies of the Necronimicon, Ars Geotica, Clavicule of Solomon, Darkhold, Celaeno Fragments, Cthäat Aquadingen, Cultes des Goules, De Vermis Mysteriis, Dhol Chants, Heptameron, Liber Juratus, Pnakotic Manuscripts, Sefer ha-Razim I and II, Unaussprechlichen Kulten, and Zanthu Tablets if you’re not going to do anything with them? (And it’s not like I’m going to use them MYSELF). Secondarily, any hero who can turn THAT kind of junk into something useful in hopes of it being my downfall is skilled enough to do better on their own anyway while the UNSKILLED ones will just get themselves into trouble!
  10. My Legions of Cuddly will have proper, biometrically-locked, tactical communication and display computers! When on duty they and the guard commander in the tactics room will know where their teammates are, who is talking to them, and whether something has happened to any one of them at all times! They will also know when to sound the alarm, how to search, and basic security procedures, for that is what the training budget is for!
  11. If an adventuring or potential hero has mentors, teachers, and/or best friends, I shall quietly send them money, training supplies, and clues that they can mysteriously support the heroes with! That way I can secretly steer the heroes into a surprise party and celebrity roast where they can be extensively embarrassed!
  12. If I have a hero and their party trapped, I will not wait until my party cannon is ready to start the festivities if more conventional pies are available.
  13. Whenever my plans include a timetable or checklist, it will include dozens of entries that have nothing to do with anything! Including things like “Attend Grandkids Birthday Party”! I always invent my “plans” on the spot anyway!
  14. My secret archives shall be heavily encrypted! Those embarrassing family photos and movies are NOBODY ELSE’S BUSINESS! They are also an appropriate punishment for anyone who goes to all the trouble to steal and decrypt them! Finally, if stolen, there are secure online backups. My parents would be upset if something happened to all that stuff!
  15. Before I burst into the heroes secret hideout MY personal Oracle will make sure that they are there and that it is not a trap! I am NOT wasting a perfectly good dramatic entrance on a bomb or something! The triggered spells for the spotlight, smoke, amplified dramatic voice, and all the rest take a good deal of effort to set up!
  16. Zen is a thing! I shall live life as it comes, respond to the exigencies of the moment, and go with the flow! Only thus (or, you know, by being a Cartoon ANYWAY) can I always be prepared for any eventuality and be utterly unpredictable!
  17. If I get a hold of something very important to the heroes I shall put it up on Ebay with a nice high minimum bid! It’s not like a bunch of heroes wouldn’t find a way to get it back no matter what if it is really important to them, but this way they shall wind up broke and pay me for the privilege!
  18. When planning an expedition I shall ensure that the route passes through several excellent places for an ambush! I shall also offer chances to come along as prizes for children who are doing well in elementary school!
  19. My bodyguards will be allowed to hear whatever I have to say! I’m trusting them to protect me from attacks, I’m not going to get paranoid about them knowing a few things! Besides, most of what I say is for comedic effect anyway!
  20. If the rebellion tricks me, I shall graciously credit them! If they try the same trick again it shall be used as the lead-in to a countertrick unless is was REALLY funny, in which case they can get away with repeating it until it gets boring or becomes a running but basically ineffectual gag!
  21. I will have prerecorded monologues and body doubles available for confronting each of my enemies. That way when they try to use my villainous monologing to gather clues and gain time to escape while I am so occupied they will find the clues way out of date and that I am well ahead of them!
  22. My sapient computers will regard viruses and hacking attempts like normal people regard con artists! When such things are tried against them they will identify the source and pretend to cooperate while sending in the police!
  23. I shall be an enlightened despot! Prosperous realms full of happy people pay more taxes and make less trouble! Any necessary examples shall be made from people whom pretty much everyone hates! Anyone who’s likely to be stabbed by the other inmates if sent to prison will probably be a good choice!
  24. If I decide to dramatically place a base beneath the ocean, inside a volcano, in a glacier, in a mighty cavern, or any other location prone to exploding/collapsing/allowing people to easily drop in on it from above, it will be strictly for fun and everyone will evacuate by teleportation the moment any of the alarms go off!
  25. I have PLENTY of money! I shall be massively overstaffed so everyone can work short hours with plenty of time for breaks, sick days, or taking naps if they feel tired! After all, if I’m hiring bright kids for things I have to make proper allowances!
  26. I will make a habit of confessing to completely absurd stories about things that I have not (and probably could not) have done! With chortling and sarcasm! That way, if I ever actually HAVE done something and feel some weird urge to confess, I can ham it up and throw in impossible details until no one will believe a word I say anyway!
  27. If I am in deadly peril and a hero reaches out to rescue me, I shall not attempt to take him or her down with me, even if I DO return from death! I will accept the assistance, help him or her out of the inevitable follow-up peril, and enjoy the bonding experience! We can go back to hostilities later in the spirit of good sportsmanship!
  28. Any ghosts who wish to haunt my stronghold can put in an employment application like anybody else! They will not, however, qualify for the optional life insurance! If ghosts are good enough for Hogwarts they are good enough for me!
  29. Anyone who attempts to swim the moat will find themselves aboard the Calypso sailing under Jacques-Yves Cousteau as he explores the seas of the underworld! They will just have to go on a wild adventure to get back!
  30. If an expert refuses to work for me I shall offer more money and benefits! If he or she still will not accept… I shall ask the me in the alternate universe where he or she did accept to share the research or design results in exchange for something similar that didn’t work out in HIS universe!
  31. If a hero shouts “Look out behind you!” I shall teleport us BOTH to a safer spot with a good view of the first one! If it’s a trick, it won’t accomplish much, and if it’s a genuine warning it’s time for a nice lunch and working things out diplomatically, since said hero obviously wasn’t all that hostile to begin with!
  32. I’m personally conjuring everything important anyway. I will outsource anything that isn’t too important. What else is money FOR?
  33. I shall not build any device meant to transfer energy into me. I’ve done that too many times already! Besides, since I’ve discovered super-triple-mocha-chocolate-expresso “Biohazard” coffee, who needs them?
  34. Any carts, wagons, or trucks full of loose material or boxes large enough for someone to hide in will be directed to the loading docks at my warehouse across town. Any hay shall be properly made into hayfries, hayburgers, or similar foods before being brought into my stronghold! It’s not a place for bulk goods!
  35. Festivals, conventions, contests, and mass celebrations will be held at appropriate facilities! My stronghold – except for the emergency shelter in the basement, which is a public service – is for me and my staff (and occasional heroes!), not for random members of the public!
  36. My ultimate coffee making machine will have circuit breakers, surge suppressors, and multiple backups! I am NOT going WITHOUT MY COFFEE! And when I had to use time travel to go back to when it was working I kept having to WAIT IN LINE BEHIND MYSELF! It was entirely unacceptable!
  37. I shall chew the scenery! Be the biggest ham around! Overact and make EVERYTHING out to be the most important thing EVER! Why be an Overlord if you aren’t going to enjoy every minute of it?
  38. If I capture someone known for solving problems with ingenious and fantastic gadgets, I will give them access to a laboratory, several assistants, tell them to sign here to be allowed to use the facilities, monitor EVERYTHING, and claim patent rights on, and make use of, anything they come up with in MY laboratories!
  39. I will cackle and gloatingly tell the heroes that whatever they have done has served my true purposes, whether or not this is true! If they believe me, then they will doubt all of their actions! If they do not, then I have an opportunity to get them into some version of a “Did Too!” “Did Not!” argument suitable for five year olds until “them leave in disgust”!
  40. If there is a famine or other disaster I will rush all necessary relief supplies there at once! Not only is this good publicity, it helps maintain the tax base, discourages dissent, creates a fertile recruiting ground for minions, makes heroes doubt their motives, and costs me nothing but a minute or two! Overstaffed and ability to conjure stuff in mass quantities, remember?
  41. I will also fund urban renewal and youth outreach programs! Slums, gangs, and desperate youths often provide heroes with unexpected allies seeking to express their suppressed teenage idealism! And the vast majority of heroes will have a much harder time fighting against disadvantaged youths who are seeking a better life!
  42. I will not attempt to keep my doings a secret! It’s not like I’m ashamed of the things I do! (If for some reason I AM, I will see a psychiatrist! If the objection is rational, I will then NOT DO IT. If it is some silly hangup, I will get it cured and then indulge!). And secrets always come out at the worst possible moment, such as when everyone who would turn against you if they were revealed is handy to hear them! If they are going to turn against me, they can protest at the time, propose alternative plans, and if nothing else can be done, they can resign, take their severance package and gold watch, and help the heroes if they wish! Peaceably retired people living on Overlord Pension Programs in overlord-funded retirement villages rarely help rebellions against the overlord all that much!
  43. My relatives will all get stipends! They can have jobs if they are compatible, competent at whatever-it-is, and want to do the work! If not, then they can party on!
  44. My consorts shall know from the start that the position includes perpetual youth, wealth, healing, semi-immortality, wealth, and the use of an immense variety of facilities! They shall also know from the start that they can leave when they wish and that it is a position in my harem! Why would I want someone in my household or bed who isn’t happy there?
  45. Hostages will not be used as bait. For THAT all you need is a rumor! Moreover, threats are NOT a useful way to gain compliance! Sure, some incompetents will fall for that, but anyone competent will realize that there will be no end to such demands, and will just go straight for your throat! Besides, it’s rude and dishonorable!
  46. I will hire an expert marksman with a tranquilizer rifle to guard the gates of my stronghold! His job will be to settle down giant monsters, administer antidotes to drug-crazed berserkers, and vaccinate any of the kids who try to avoid it! For challengers he will switch to a paintball gun!
  47. I will explain to my legions of cuddly that Pies are multipurpose instruments! They can be used in ranged combat, in close combat, as snacks or rations, as peace offerings, as booby traps, to mark turns and trails, as monster lures, as props, to produce oil slicks, to briefly blind the enemy, as monster diversions, to cover the scent of your tracks, and for various other purposes! That is why they shall all be trained to use pie powers! And friendship beams once those are available!
  48. My vulnerabilities are things that hurt me, like everybody else! Fortunately, as a cartoon, very, VERY, little does that, and letting the rumors spread will discourage attacks!
  49. I will not make alliances with greater powers since I do not admit their existence! I shall not make alliances with lesser powers either! Alliances are for EQUALS. Lesser powers are available as EMPLOYEES. This is why MONEY is one of the greatest powers of all!
  50. Like the roman legions, my legions will be kept reasonably busy during downtime! There are hospitals, spas, public service opportunities, gyms, and training courses! They shall have plenty of ways to keep busy and earn those bonuses!

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part III – The Wine Cellar Of Dubious Drunken Declarations.

And today’s segment is dedicated to the TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Rules page – where quite a lot of additional Evil Overlord rules can be found!

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

  1. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “Mercy”! But the tickling will continue until they say “Uncle”!
  2. I will contact people near the heroes at random via projected image and publicly insist that they deliver their reports! No matter what they say, I shall look intrigued, thank them for their coded report, and leave them a modest cash bonus and some coupons with odd wording that might be coded instructions!
  3. I will hire all mad scientists capable of designing doomsday weapons and put them to work DOING SOMETHING ELSE. How many times do I have to point out that ->I<- live here TOO?!?!
  4. If my supreme command center comes under attack I will set off an illusion of it falling to bits and project an image of myself announcing “You may have scored a small “victory” today heroes, but my plans are further along than ever!” before it and the “rubble” vanish with a teleportation signature.
  5. Any data file of crucial importance will be non-existent! I am making this up as I go along! I will, however, be irate if they capture all my save game files!
  6. I will accept all challenges from heroes! But no matter what they propose, I shall interpret it as a challenge to one or another collectible children’s card game so that they will first have to learn the overly-complicated rules and spend a lot of money building a deck! Did I mention that I own most of those companies?
  7. To keep my subjects from rebelling or assisting heroes, I will make sure that things are actually pretty nice in my realm! It’s not like I cannot afford it! How would making the general population miserable provide me with more fun than my limitless funds and total authority can get me anyway?
  8. I will not order anyone to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me! I shall raise the kid to take over when I retire! I’ve got to do it SOMETIME and leaving a properly trained successor is part of the job! Besides, the kid will almost certainly turn out to be one of mine anyway!
  9. I will claim full credit for the actions of Murphy! It’s not like anyone will believe that I’m not throwing silly obstacles in the heroes way anyway!
  10. My Stronghold of Doom (TM) is going to be a personal conjuration, so if it gets captured by a hero I will simply drop it and conjure it anew somewhere else! If I know the heroes forces are advancing and will arrive shortly, I may do this just before they arrive and leave a forwarding address to a post office box in Saskatchewan and some stray SCUBA gear. That should keep them entertained soggy for quite some time!
  11. Magic and technology that can resurrect martyrs will be encouraged! That way heroic sacrifices won’t mean anything and will have little or no emotional impact or dramatic effect!
  12. I shall secretly sponsor and fund committees demanding all sorts of reforms and advocating my overthrow! I shall, however, make sure that my loyal opposition only gets my attention when they actually have a good idea which I can co-opt!
  13. I will not employ devious schemes involving the hero’s getting into my inner sanctum! If they really insist, they can just follow the signs showing the direct route to the orgy room!
  14. All Oracles in my realm will be provided with helpful aides who will file notarized copies of any prophecies with a central database! It’s not like fighting a valid prophecy is of any use anyway and you can’t work around what you don’t know about!
  15. There are counters for everything, so I shall just focus on having a wide variety of powers to choose from at random in any confrontation! A hero who can successfully plan for “he might do any damned thing!” deserves a little win!
  16. My Stronghold of Doom (TM) shall be designed to be enormously impressive and have someone assigned to answer the door! Making it impregnable just means that heroes will find a way to get inside without knocking!
  17. I shall inform any enemy who manages to get past the guards and confront me that their heroism has shown them worthy of an engagement to whichever one of my children is currently looking for a mate and finds them attractive! While they are still sputtering, I shall unleash the tailors and the wedding planners!
  18. If I capture the heroes customized car, ship, or similar vessel I will load it up with contraband and let them try to explain their cargo to a neighboring realm’s authorities once they recapture it and flee my wrath in it!
  19. When I want revenge, I shall send paparazzi and scandal-mongers! Not even the greatest torturers of eld could make people die THAT many times!
  20. If I have equipment which performs a vital function it will be fully automatic! There will be none of this “inappropriate activation” or “someone hit the emergency shutdown” nonsense!
  21. I will not attempt to kill heroes by placing scorpions, snakes, spiders, or similar poisonous perils in their rooms! Cute sexual partners and the ensuing pregnancies or child support demands will fully occupy them anyway!
  22. If I get a hold of something that can only be used by the “Pure of Heart” I will check on pure WHAT before trying it!
  23. The automatic pie launcher turrets on my fortress will be fully capable of firing at each other or into the fortress! Nothing is funnier than watching heroes attempting to kill you with pies OR burying one under a pile of lemon cream!
  24. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public it shall be held at a proper convention center, rather than opening up my penthouse stronghold to noisy pests!
  25. Kidnap victims rarely turn in their best work! Prior to attempting any such nonsense, I will try to HIRE them, and offer any sons and daughters good jobs too! Or daycare, as appropriate!
  26. Should I ever set up a classic “deathtrap”, It shall have many possible modes of escape and I shall have my bookie taking bets on how the hero will get away! That way I will get SOMETHING out of it!
  27. Rather than attempting to get away in one of the dozens of fleeing escape pods, I shall take the form of a young hostage, or innocent offspring of a lieutenant, or some such, and let the heroes do all the work of rescuing and protecting me!
  28. My guards will have ready access to snacks and drinks with plenty to share! Fat, happy, sleepy, prisoners are a lot less trouble!
  29. I will employ comedic robots as my agents of destruction! They are far more likely to bring down a building or something by accident than an intentionally destructive robot is likely to accomplish anything on purpose!
  30. When I force heroes to fight each other in the arena it will be with pies! Why should I equip people for arena battles with any lesser weapon?
  31. All members of my staff will have Hawaiian shirts and straw hats. No hero would be caught dead in such an outfit anyway.
  32. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoners reach! It shall be under an ominous looking button in the cell labeled “push if extremely bored or suicidal”. After all, if they’re willing to push THAT button, it’s time to let them out!
  33. Before appointing someone as a trusted lieutenant, I shall reveal that I know all about their hidden treacheries and intent to aid the hero, but tell them that I am willing to trust them with a second chance!
  34. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my stronghold has been associating with the hero, I shall give her a parting bonus, tell her to go and find her true love, and give her coupons for a splendid one-month honeymoon. My stronghold is a conjuration, and will only take a few minutes to redesign, or move, or both, anyway and the current color scheme WAS getting a little old…
  35. If I am escaping in a vehicle and the hero is pursuing me in another one I shall immediately switch the genre to Mario Go-Kart and start dumping huge heaps of conjured junk out the back, starting with ten thousand bouncy balls.
  36. My Doomsday Machine will be HERO BAIT. How many times do I have to point out that I LIVE HERE TOO!
  37. If I make a bomb, it will be a cake, properly filled with ice cream and fudge, and anyone who tries to disarm it will look like a right prat.
  38. When spending funds, I will invest in anything I please. I have no shortage of money and will simply create my bases and fortresses to suit anyway. Giant Neon Gothic Fortress with Digital Clocktower from the Baron Ectar school of architecture for the win!
  39. The passageways within my fortress will be dimly lit by flickering battery-powered torches for the ambience! That is what Night-Sight spells are for!
  40. If the strange noises in the forest seem to be coming from some small and harmless woodland creature, I shall either get Tarzan to call a stampede or – if really desperate – send out Angel Bunny.
  41. When my guards check an apparently empty cell, they shall rinse it out with a high-pressure firehose before sending for an elderly martial artist cleaning lady who appears totally harmless! If someone is hiding under the bed or something, they can just enjoy their bath!
  42. I will have lots of children! I like children! And any who like may try to overthrow me, starting at age six or so! They may take turns until they are bored and the paperwork is making them cry and they need cuddles!
  43. I will keep a wide variety of special prizes for kids around that they will need a cooperative hero to claim! This will give all of my kids AND the local kids a major incentive to find heroes, lead them to me, and insist on the heroes repaying them by helping them get and carry various piñatas’, giant boxes of candy, and huge stuffed animals along the way!
  44. If one of my sons or daughters pairs up with a hero or heroine, I will promptly hold a parade for them and dote endlessly over the possibility of grandchildren while swamping them with cribs, toys, stuffed animals, and baby supplies. Aphrodisiacs and fertility drugs will not, however, be included in the gifts until three months after the wedding.
  45. When my guards are shooting at the hero they will use super-expanding pies which grow to fill the entire corridor or similar space where they’re aimed. That way he or she is sure to get creamed!
  46. My dungeon decor shall feature plenty of whispering galleries, although there shall be occasional interruptions by pop-up advertisements for My Little Pony collectible toys.
  47. If there are reports of any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be the appropriate safety organizations will be notified and well-meaning assistance will be dispatched.
  48. My lieutenants shall be entirely trusted to foul things up! If they ever accomplish anything useful in addition to being entertaining it will be a pleasant surprise!
  49. When my enemies break out an impossible device to use against me, I shall geek out over it, teleport into the midst of their party, and start discussing possible improvements. No crazed gadgeteer can resist explaining at great length to anyone who takes an interest!
  50. There will be ropes suitable for swinging from, or holding up heavy chandeliers and tapestries, in every possible location, and my guards will all be trained to use them to ascend, descend, and swing around as much as possible! It’s hysterical!

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part II – The Grand Ballroom of Aberrant Aphorisms.

Now that I can get back to the blog and catch up a bit, today’s segment is dedicated to Jack Butlers version of the Evil Overlord List – so much the same and yet different in a variety of ways!

  1. Since nothing is more irritating than being defeated by basic math, physics, or logic, I shall always remember that I am a cartoon and am not subject to ANY of those things!
  2. A true ultimate weapon is defined by what it does NOT do! It should not harm forces favorable to you, or resources, infrastructure, or populations who can be brought into your service! Its use should not cause neutral groups to become hostile or inspire heroes to rise up against you! It’s use should not hinder your use of the areas targeted after it takes effect! It should not stop working after being used against an area, so that target areas will become permanently hostile to enemy forces! It should not inspire hostility against you or even any major efforts to evade it’s effects! It should be impossible for a enemies to use it to reverse it’s own effects! That is why my mad scientists, wizards, and psychic experts will be concentrating on Weaponized Friendship! That way, even if someone else should beat me to my ultimate weapon… I shall know that they will be my friends!
  3. If one of my guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in which the beautiful princess is being held (usually listening to me talk about myself), I will immediately assign him to bodyguard her! They could both probably use a little recreation!
  4. Since secret passages manifest spontaneously whenever needed, I shall just make sure that the rooms in the palace are equally mobile! When the heroes discover that. at the moment, the passage leads to the breakfast buffet (and food fight) rather than to my private quarters, they will soon have egg all over their faces! And probably uncomfortable bacon crumbles in their shorts!
  5. If the excessively beautiful noble, princess, or VIP that I capture says “I shall never marry you! Never, NEVER!!!!!”, I shall happily say “Who said anything about marriage? It’s not like anyone will ever believe that you’re a pure and virginal maiden after I captured you and imprisoned you in my quarters anyway! Wanna play Mai-Jong?”
  6. I will strike bargains with demonic beings that require them to go away so that we shall have no chance to get on each others nerves! It’s not like I need anything else that they’ve got to offer!
  7. Twisted mutants and psychotic lunatics will have their place in my hospitals! Once they’re cured, and likely loyal out of gratitude, I shall provide job education programs! For before I send them out to do anything, I want to be sure that they in reasonably good shape and competent to do it!
  8. My legions of cuddly will be trained with pies! Anyone who cannot hit a man-sized target in the face with a pie at ten paces will have to clean up and then keep practicing! After all, no hero would employ real violence in a pie fight, and that will keep my medical and bereavement expenses way, WAY, down!
  9. When employing any captured artifacts or machinery I will doubtless be in a great hurry or I’d have gotten a reliable version of my own built! So I shall have many lucky charms ready! And not rabbits feet! The rabbit had four of those, and look where IT wound up!
  10. If it becomes necessary to escape, I WILL HAVE MY MONOLOGUE, even if I must STOP TIME TO DO IT! (Unless I have it printed up in advance, in which case I shall just have leaflets dumped on the heroes).
  11. I will build all sentient computers to be smarter than I am! If they aren’t smarter than I am, why bother with them in the first place? Trust me, I can find PLENTY of STUPID without building expensive machines to provide it!
  12. I hate passwords! Everything is going to be on biometric locks in the first place! And that INCLUDES the guards weapons, vehicles, control panels, and other equipment!
  13. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I come up with a new scheme that is so insane that they will beg me to go back to the first one!
  14. I will not bother with a fortress! The world is full of ruined ones! They never work! I will get a nice building in the center of town, convenient for the shops, and surrounded by millions of people who will call the cops and S.W.A.T. teams if they think that some lunatic is about to start a battle in the middle of the city!
  15. Bulk trash will be sent to recycling! If it proves to contain escaping heroes, they will be given 200$ and be shipped to a dingy motel room in Boring Oregon!
  16. I will see a competent psychiatrist and see how long it takes him to refuse to see me any longer! He can then join the heroes and reveal to them that I am a cartoon just in case they have somehow failed to notice!
  17. I will not have a main control room. What is the point of having a sentient computer and still having to try to adjust fussy control systems with hooves?
  18. My security keypad will actually be an ordering system for pies, coffee, and doughnuts. If somebody authorized wants to come in and see me they should bring a snack! And if they do not know what they are doing, being soaked in hot coffee and covered in pie filling is a better hero deterrent than most! After all, anyone with a brain should know that Ponies do not use keypads for anything urgent!
  19. All surveillance cameras will have easily accessible “off” buttons! People do have a right to privacy, but when turned off the cameras will play a recorded message to the effect that any injuries received while off camera will not be the responsibility of the management!
  20. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. If necessary, I will send them back in time so that they HAVE to save me to avoid paradox. I may be immune to that, but they probably aren’t!
  21. All midwives will be properly trained, tested, and licensed, Children who wish to be raised by wild animals in a dangerous jungle can get that taken care of in public school, just like everybody else.
  22. My guards will not search for intruders. They will stay at the central information desks where they belong AND where they have partial cover! All the corridors lead there anyway, so any intruders will have to come to them!
  23. When I decide to test an underlings loyalty to me I will have extra jelly donuts available in case said underling is not loyal enough and eats the last one.
  24. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will go and have lunch while the servants throw them out. Heckling contests are beneath my dignity.
  25. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. What fun is that? Rigging a contest is beneath me! If they want to go free they can beat me FAIR AND SQUARE! I have many incredibly obscure board games that I never get to play otherwise anyway!
  26. When I create an elaborate, special-effects heavy, multimedia presentation of my plan so simple that a five-year-old can easily understand all the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it laying about!. If I went to all that trouble I must have meant it for wide distribution; I will arrange a several-hundred-screen theatrical release!
  27. If a hero proves too strong for a couple of my legionaries to arrest, I shall send in some of whatever sex he finds attractive to suffer wardrobe malfunctions. Heroes are notorious for seducing their enemies, but no matter how great the hero, ten or fifteen liaisons a day will keep him or her well-occupied, are easily affordable, and cost less than paying for treating casualties.
  28. If a hero is standing at the edge of a precipice, or balancing over molten lava, or involved in any such horrible safety hazard, I will pretend that I have lost track of them and have a member of the maintenance department offer to let said hero conceal themselves among the maintenance crew. That way I can get some work out of him or her AND get some proper safety rails installed around whatever silly hazard they’ve discovered. Also, fire my architect! WHY is there a giant pit on my bridge, chasm in my death star, or balcony overlooking the giant pit of fire anyway? If there’s no scenic view available, HANG A PAINTING.
  29. If I have a moment of even less sanity than usual and opt to offer the hero a job as one of my trusted lieutenants, I will make sure that said hero starts at lower pay and less benefits than my current trusted lieutenants. There’s no need to promote jealousy!
  30. I will tell my legions “Lethal weapons never work on heroes anyway, so I haven’t given you any! Just fire a netgun in their general direction with the intent to drag them before me and – if necessary – it will go around three trees, a log cabin, and an emu to ensnare them in an apparently, but not actually, secure fashion so that they can break loose in my throne room! You can’t fight the heroic narrative, so you might as well go along with it!”
  31. If a destroy-the-universe weapon happens to come with a reverse switch, I will have the whole thing melted down. If it worked, who would be left to throw it? If it doesn’t have a reverse switch I will melt it down anyway. The universe is where I keep my ME! Also, I shall find whoever it is who keeps BUILDING these things and LOCK THEM UP WITH A GOOD THERAPIST.
  32. If my weakest troops fail against a hero, I will want to know why they didn’t politely ask them to come down to the station for an interview in the first place. Real heroes never start anything first and my weakest troops have no business trying to deal with a hero in any other way!
  33. If I am fighting with a hero atop a moving platform and he glances behind me and drops flat, I shall use my dimensional powers to reduce my effective height until I am shorter than he now is AND on exactly the right level to hit him in the face with a pie! With any luck he will rear back in surprise and run his face into whatever it was he saw!
  34. If any of my heroic opponents are standing in front of a crucial support beam I will blast it myself and see how they get out of the ensuing collapse!
  35. If I am dining with a hero, have drugged his goblet, and then have to leave the table for any reason, I will not worry about it! I am immune to most of that stuff anyway, and I will have put anything I actually want to use in the air conditioning vents, so said hero might as well have his or her clever little moment of triumph!
  36. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. I will get them a nice reservation at a restaurant and hotel, with all expenses paid!
  37. The more complicated a plan the better! They never survive contact with the enemy anyway, so the more bits you have the more likely it is that you will be able to rearrange them into something amusing when the original plan is inevitably disrupted!
  38. I will make sure that my doomsday device is properly disabled, but full of ten thousand gallons of carbonated cream under high pressure! When the heroes go for the dramatic disarm, they’ll get creamed! And how many times must I point out that destroying the world you live on is a STUPID thing to do?
  39. My vats of hazardous chemicals will all be installed on the top floor so no one can fall into them! It’s not like they can bother me anyway…
  40. If a group of thugs fail miserably at a task, I will acknowledge that “thug” is a low-skilled and underpaid profession and send them to training! They can try again when they’re up to professional levels and have qualified for a morale-improving raise!
  41. After I capture the heroes superweapon I will dismantle it and scatter the pieces to hiding places across the world since it would never work for me anyway! By the time they’re done fetch-questing to put it back together I shall probably be done with all my projects AND will have had time for a long vacation!
  42. Any controls I must have will be personally accessible from my lounge! That way I can have someone cuddling and still manage my realm!
  43. I will have a trusted aide on duty to receive messengers no matter how busy I am! There is no point to being an Overlord if you have to do everything yourself! Also, bring MORE CAKE!
  44. Whenever I communicate with a hero there shall be the sounds of a big party and ongoing sex in the background! Most heroes are incredibly straight-laced, and will probably try to find a time to talk or attack when there is no party going on! Which shall be never!
  45. If I decide to get rid of a hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I shall tell them that their lives are now mystically linked, provide an illusion of that being true, and ship the underling off to some supposedly terrible danger a very long and difficult trip away! I will then give the hero a very slow horse and a choice of bus tickets to the wrong place.
  46. When arresting prisoners, my guards will permit them to pack and place a phone call! There is no reason to be rude!
  47. My holding areas will offer their choice of an excellent medical team or a cackling mad scientist focused on human augmentation available to treat any prisoner ailments!
  48. My door mechanisms will be designed to open automatically when people approach! Hooves, remember?
  49. My holding areas will be designed with secret passages in and out which only rather small children may transverse and will be well stocked with candy and toys! That way little kids can wander in and out to annoy the heroes – and if they are true heroes they will not be able to avoid babysitting, for which they shall be grossly underpaid!
  50. If a good-looking young pair enters my realm, the gossip police will keep an eye on them! If they are happy and affectionate, that’s fine! But if circumstances have forced them together against their wills and they alternate between quarreling with each and saving each others’ lives with hints of sexual tension, I will immediately send them each a huge gift certificate for the Sex Warehouse Superstore! Otherwise they are all too likely pull an Inuyasha-and-Kagome and take HUNDREDS OF EPISODES to GET TO THE POINT! I am NOT putting up with that again!

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part I – The Throne Room

Today, in celebration and parody of Peter’s classic “Evil Overlord List“, here we have Prince Blueblood’s take on it – Part I of the Pony Overlord List.

  1. I will not set myself up as a god. I am a cartoon pony and I am BETTER than that.
  2. My Legions of Cuddly will have Pony Suits that completely conceal their faces, sexes, and all other identifiable details, complete with voice masks! As well as the necessary month-long training course in how to walk, function effectively, and ham it up while wearing one!
  3. My ventilation ducts will be big enough to blow hurricanes into my rooms for dramatic cape-billowing effects – and my capes shall have breakaway safety clasps, so that they can easily be dramatically tossed aside to be carried away by said winds!
  4. My virtuous and well-loved relative whose power I have usurped will be kept on as a figurehead and not told that I have taken over so that I can spend more time partying while they handle all of the boring stuff.
  5. Shooting is excellent for my enemies! They shall be photographed in all their most exasperated and embarrassing moments and will be the subject of many snarky articles and skits on Saturday Night Live!
  6. The Unicorn Horn which is the primary focus of my power shall be kept on top of my head, where it shall poke holes in hats!
  7. I will gloat over my enemies lack of fashion sense before having them subjected to a celebrity roast on a major network!
  8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Before you kill me, tell me what this is all about!” I shall say, “I thought you knew! I just do things! Get out there, brush off your inventiveness, and don’t come back until you’ve come up with an ingenious evil scheme explaining my actions that I can take credit for!”
  9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, I will take her to major parties and try to seduce her by showing her how sparkly my plans are! That gym membership, the toning exercises, the spa staff, and all the rest is oh so worth it!
  10. All of my vehicles and structures will include a large, red, self-destruct button in an utterly obvious location! It will be clearly labeled “Self-Destruct! Do not push!”. When you push it, you will immediately find yourself smoking three cigarettes and wanting more, stuffing on butter, pasta, and sausage, drinking vodka, wanting to watch TV all day, and averse to exercise!
  11. I shall interrogate my enemies by playing “Truth Or Dare” with them in my inner sanctum! Or, if they are all cute enough, Spin The Bottle! The embarrassment alone shall probably do them in!
  12. You are rated on the greatness of your enemies! I will leave them as many clues, signs, and easy escapes as they need to make themselves look incredibly fortunate and competent at all times!
  13. One of my advisors will be an average World Of Warcraft nerd! No plans will be implemented until he has ignored them for several weeks and then talked about how useless they are in killing bosses on TeamSpeak! By that time any obvious shortcomings have probably come up in the planning committee!
  14. The hero may have my last drink and cigarette! If I’m down to the last, I need to go shopping while he’s consuming them!
  15. All my equipment will have flickering digital countdowns, even if they mean nothing at all! They are extremely distracting to your enemies and have a wonderfully ominous effect!
  16. I will always ask defeated enemies to fill out a customer satisfaction survey! I need to know which of my tactics is most annoying!
  17. I will have lots of sons! And I shall indulge their plans to get fun stuff for parties as much as possible! Why be an Overlord at all if you are not going to take advantage of the privileges? Also, bring me canapes, brandy, and pretty young mares!
  18. I will have lots of beautiful daughters! They will provide a reason for my wickedness, for how else will I be able to attract a sufficient supply of handsome heroes for them to marry?
  19. I will indulge in maniacal laughter! Not only is it fun, but if you don’t give your opponents time to do something it will be boring!
  20. I will hire a talented fashion designer and use her to deflect incoming cakes and pies! On the day that she comes up with something fashionable to do with them VICTORY WILL BECOME INEVITABLE!
  21. If a power-granting energy field is bigger than my head, I shall see if it is also available commercially in a convenient pill or potion form!
  22. I will keep a special cache of party supplies and train a Swedish bikini team in their use! That way, even if the heroes manage to sabotage my party cannon, a party can be airdropped in when a tab is pulled!
  23. Whenever someone manages to damage my hair I shall cry “No! This CANNOT BE! My hairstyle is INVINCIBLE!”
  24. All of my machinery shall be rube Goldberg contraptions, with only one safe spot to stand in when they are in operation OR blowing up! And I shall be standing there, like Leslie in The Great Pie Fight!
  25. All prisoners shall be sent to my bedchamber! I used all the space for dungeons making my bedroom larger than most football stadiums anyway!
    (They can play hide-and-seek there, and maybe find my best robe; it’s been missing for MONTHS).
  26. I will never build anything important! Hieronymus Machines are MUCH more reliable than actual mechanisms! And they frustrate those scientific hero types no end!
  27. My pet monsters shall be kept under the bed and in the closet, so that they can leap out and cuddle people! No hero would ever harm a giant friendly fuzzy thing that wants to be petted no matter how encumbering it is to be snuggled!
  28. I shall dress in nothing much, since I am a pony! But I will have roses to carry in my teeth and snack on occasionally!
  29. All incompetent conjurers, bumbling squires, useless minstrels, and cowardly sleight-of-hoof artists in my realm will be recruited for the circus! They are a precious resource of entertainment and need jobs!
  30. All foolish, young, big-chested, tavern girls in my realm will be required to attend sex education classes with all the other kids and will get free health care, including contraceptives, just like everybody else!
  31. Any messengers who bring me bad news will face heated sarcasm which they will have to take back to the people who sent me such bad news in the first place instead of doing their jobs and FIXING THE PROBLEM! They will also get a good tip and a cell phone so that the news won’t have to wait while they come in person next time!
  32. I won’t require high-ranking mares in my organization to wear anything at all! Ponies usually don’t! But if they want to, that’s their business! I’m not commenting on ANY females clothing unless invited, and even then only in the vaguest of positive terms!
  33. I will turn SOMETHING or other into a snake! I’m sure it will help somehow! Perhaps with finding all the heroes who have gotten lost in the ventilation ducts…
  34. I am not a goat. I will not grow a Goatee. Save it for Grogar.
  35. My prison will have plenty of team-building, job-training, and morale building exercises! There’s no point in locking people up if they’re not going to be better people when they get out!
  36. If my trusted lieutenant tells me that my Legions are losing to the heroes, I will immediately rebrand them as a delaying tactic and announce that everything is going just as I planned it!
  37. If an enemy has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere I will find them and give them front-row tickets for any confrontation! And for the mecha battle that comes next! Kids love that sort of thing!
  38. I will not ride into battle no matter who says that I must! It would be WEIRD!
  39. I will be chivalrous, sporting, and obnoxious! If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I shall dismantle it carefully! After all, if it is unstoppable than I would eventually be one of its victims because once started it WILL NOT STOP!
  40. Once my power is secure it will be very boring, so I shall build time travel devices to go back and compete with myself for dominion! After all, if I won already, I must be the best opponent around!
  41. When I capture a hero, I will also ensure that I capture whatever cute animals or child sidekicks capable of opening doors, stealing keys, and cutting or chewing ropes, happen to be following him around! They are cute and cuddly and help attract the mares!
  42. When I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans I will immediately let her participate in my plans for a really fun evening!
  43. I will cheerfully employ bounty hunters who work for the fun of it. Why should I care if they’re mostly ineffectual when I’m not actually wasting resources on them anyway?
  44. I will not bother keeping track of who is responsible for things in my organization. I change my mind all the time anyway.
  45. If somebody says “What can one man do?” I shall say “Pretty much anything a million men can do; it will just take longer! Go back to advisor school!”
  46. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I shall wait until he grows up a bit and offer him a good job with better pay and health insurance. Youthful idealism wears thin pretty fast!
  47. Any beast that’s working for me is getting paid accordingly, just like the rest of the staff! And it will just have to put up with me when I have a bad day, just like everyone else! Being an Overlord does come with SOME privileges after all!
  48. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact that can destroy me, I shall promptly commission another counter-artifact, just like I did for the last fifty such artifacts!
  49. My main computers will run on Windows. If they run on anything else they might as well be bricks; even I will never be able to hire enough staff who can properly use the things to get anything done!