Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part VI – The Mendaciously Meandering Miasmic Morus Maze of Meticulously Mangled Mutinous Management Maxims

Previously on the Aggravating Pony Overlord Channel…

  1. If someone says “This isn’t a cartoon!” I will glance at myself and say “Really?” in a questioning tone. If they have been amusing enough so far I will add a horrified “OH NOOOOOOO!!!!” and teleport away, leaving only a slowly dissolving after-image of myself with an expression of horror on it’s face!
  2. If any of my kids fall in love, I will make sure that their crush is a reasonably decent sort and is not just using them! If that checks out, the pair (or group, it’s not like I don’t keep a harem!) will be supplied with plentiful travel funds, reservations wherever, contraceptives (if desired) and toys of choice (if any) and told to go for it! Sex is fun, grandchildren are great, and it’s not like I’M a model of decorum!
  3. If I am confronting an Eldritch Abomination I shall remember that I qualify as a Cute Eldritch Abomination myself, and there shall be tea and cookies! And possibly dancing! I haven’t done the Lord Of The Shoggoths Line Dance Show since the last Eldritch Elder Invasion!
  4. If dealing with Vampires, Werewolves, Mummies, or some similar potentially sensible horror-movie creature I will talk first! If forced, I will point out that – while they are good at terrorizing normal humans – I am at LEAST a cartoon superhero wizard and can put them in the core of the sun, toss them into a black hole, or banish them to some eldritch elder dimension if I have to!
  5. I shall train my own ninja, pirates, and ninja-pirates, starting with adorably fluffy kittens and puppies! That way when my ninja puppy trips an opponent out a window, cuddles will be entirely appropriate!
  6. I will disguise myself (perhaps with a mustache, hat, or glasses!) and join any team of heroes gathered to oppose me, proclaiming myself to be my heroic dimensional alternate, a counterbalancing mystic force, arcane rival, or some such! That will let me know what’s going on, help keep the heroes gainfully employed, and – if and when I successfully help overthrow myself – I will be starting off in the upper tier of the successor government and will doubtless be the only one with administrative skills, and so I shall continue my rule with a fresh start, new public support, friendly heroes, and without interruption!
  7. I will encourage my kids to be rebellious scamps who sneak out to go adventuring – but only after I have arranged for some reasonable form of immortality for them and a nigh-unbreakable magical link so that I can pull them out of messes! But I will mostly get the heroes to do it! They will never be able to resist rescuing a bunch of youngsters running away from an Evil Overlord if no one tells them that they’re trying to escape school and bedtime! Of course, if any of the kids turn out to be incompetent dimwits, I shall shunt them to suitable pointless positions! I am an Aggravating Overlord, I can be as nepotistic as I wish, and they’re still my kids!
  8. I shall not be a corrupt CEO or any other style of corrupt leader! I am a Wealthy, Immortal, Decadent, Pleasure-Seeking, Superheroic Unicorn Wizard! What will being corrupt get me that I can’t have already anyway? Smoother ice cream?
  9. Trampling my foes beneath my hooves will ruin my hooficure! Blood splatters look terrible on my coat! Screams of agony spoil the music! There will be none of that barbaric nonsense in my realm! If something along those lines is absolutely required for some reason there is always Vogon Poetry!
  10. If I am told that I am an alien, descendant of an eldritch power, heir to something, the prophesied one, part of some deal with the underworld, or anything similar, I will start laughing! I escaped from a cartoon into reality and created both myself and fifty generations of my family history from pure fanfiction and egotism, and I didn’t include any of THAT nonsense! (Except when I did! I am a Cartoon! Consistency is not one of my major attributes!)
  11. I will hit on female opponents with combat propositions! They’re already attacking me, so what have I got to lose? And it’s not like anyone can seriously attack someone who is currently reeling from a smack with a hammerspace mallet! It would be unsporting and would break the running gag!
  12. I will knock loudly – and repeatedly – and announce my presence before entering a sauna, bath, hot pool, or similar establishment . This will save me from getting unavoidably whacked with hammers and things until I’ve had time to actually make at least one indecent proposition!
  13. I will not go for the domineering, master of sex slaves routine, or any similar perverse cliche, unless some of the mares in the harem request them for a role-playing night! It’s not like I have any shortage of willing partners who want to try out quirks!
  14. Listen very carefully, I shall say ‘zis only once! Watching the heroes try to figure out just what you might be suggesting with an innuendo involving wet celery, egg whisks, and flying helmets is amusing enough that I shall use the mysterious perverse quirk routine! After all, it worked for Allo Allo!
  15. My allies do not all have to be ponies! Griffins and other monsters work fine too! There is much to be said for diversity and a combined lack-of-arms strategy!
  16. If I am having a flashback, I shall drag everyone else into it with me! I am immune to paradox, but I bet that most of the heroes are not!
  17. If the heroes attempt to send a comic relief character who always bumbles their way to victory against me, I shall allow the kids to join the ensuing pie fight and clown-off, with the victor being whoever can raise the most money for charity! Given that my funds are nigh limitless and that the power of heart will be on my side, my “victory” is inevitable – and the comic relief can return to the heroes and announce that he or she was defeated, but the battle nevertheless raised a great deal of money for orphaned children!
  18. Fanboys and Fangirls will be offered harem jobs if they’re qualified and cute enough! If they are not they will be sent to places so distant that no one there has ever heard of me to spread the word (whatever they think THAT to be). Hero-worshiping playthings can be a lot of fun and it’s not like they’re ever going to be anything but a hindrance in any other role!
  19. If I am (somehow!) actually being overthrown and cannot escape, I will act like a petulant five year old and embarrass the heroes as much as possible! If I can manage to convince them that I have been a disposable figurehead all along, so much the better. To this end, there will be some sinister figure lurking nearby, to attack (machine gun, grenades, whatever) and injure (but certainly not kill) both some heroes AND myself, shout something unintelligible about “DOOM!”, and then make a cackling escape of its own. Given that this will be a well-shielded summoning protected from divination, and will vanish as soon as it’s out of sight, they will never catch it!
  20. If I ever feel the need to wear a mask, it will be a classic domino affair, suitable for parties or Zorro! It will be conceal my identity just as well as some elaborate demonic mask of power (Unicorn, remember?), is far less likely to attract swords of bullets, and is far, FAR, more stylish! And, as a bonus, you can nuzzle other ponies just fine while wearing it!
  21. The only acceptable reason for approaching the Moral Event Horizon is to cast “Reverse Gravity” on the ethical singularity, and ascend past wherever the heroes stand on the good-guy scale on the resulting cosmic eruption of virtue, thus leaving them with no reason to object to my sudden transcendence!
  22. If someone actually manages to badly hurt me, I shall do a dramatic death scene and dissolve into little sparkling lights. I regenerate quickly – even if killed – ANYWAY and I do need to use SOME special effect for my teleportation and dimension hopping! Who says that it CAN’T it be “leaving everyone with the impression of a dramatic death scene”?
  23. I am not limited by logistics, rationality, or sanity, and I shall not assume that the heroes are either! Numbers mean nothing! Of course, if I am up against a reasonable hero, there is something to be said for targeting his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and other supplies. Reasonable heroes seem to think that they need that kind of stuff!
  24. Family time takes priority over nefarious plotting! When I am busy attending a wedding, birthday, anniversary, or any other events important to wives, concubines, or children, the heroes can just come back tomorrow! After all, if they try anything at that point, they will be on the wrong side of so many tropes that I probably will not have to lift a hoof! Which is good, because one is occupied with a mare and the other with my drink!
  25. If a popular and known-to-be-fictional hero appears to stop me, I shall play along with their cliches rather than getting into an existential debate! After all, I’M fictional and I managed to sneak into reality, so there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have managed it too!
  26. Non one ever defeats an Overlord until he or she has used every weapon in his or her arsenal! So I will have a wide variety of powers (and every possible flavor of pie) and will keep adding more – including some that I can swap out! That way any heroes will have to work their way through an infinite list before they can defeat me!
  27. I will not attempt to “steal” Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Memorial Day, Boxing Day, Independence Day, or any other popular holiday! Instead I shall invite their avatars over for tea and become well-known for my generous support of such festivities! For no attack launched on someone celebrating a holiday is ever successful and that will both give me a day off and provide a reasonable chance of watching the heroes battle Santa or the Easter Bunny! The home movies will keep me laughing for YEARS!
  28. Super-Soldiers, Proud-Warrior-Race-Guys, and Villainous Henchmen only become effective AFTER they turn on their Creators, Manipulators, or Masters! Therefore I shall only recruit them on the rebound from whoever was trying to use them! Then they can teach the kids!
  29. I shall study the Greats! Overlords like Aku, Bavmorda, Ahab, Hook, Jareth, Megamind, Zod, Kurgan, Kahn, and Ming! They REALLY knew how to ham it up and chew the scenery – and I am quite possibly MADE OF HAM and I EAT scenery!
  30. If a serious villain turns up to spread evil and misery, or kidnaps one of my kids, or otherwise interrupts my aggravating overlordship, I shall join forces with the heroes right away! After all, I am protected from heroism by the power of the farce – and can give the heroes a nice fruit basket! But when it comes to defeating serious villains, that’s what heroes do!
  31. I will keep the air conditioner running, levels of alcohol in my system that would be lethal for any normal creature, and enjoy my ability to always stay nice and clean and my cartoon immunity to disease! Whatever it is that causes Villain Decay, I’m not catching it!
  32. If the heroes are the offspring of my lieutenants, I shall ensure that they get safe visitation days and college funds and give their younger siblings having part-time jobs as pages in my household so that they can throw water balloons at their older siblings whenever they get too serious. Nothing spoils a heroic narrative like a six-year-old sibling with a water balloon!
  33. If someone leaves a giant statue of me or any other creature outside my gates I will call up some builders and landscapers and turn it into the centerpiece of a carnival honoring myself! If someone is hiding inside, I will ensure that the exit is stuck until the evening rush and that all nearby restrooms are coin operated!
  34. If a God or Goddess is intervening to assist my opponents I will adjourn to the realms of the gods to find out what their problem is! I don’t stick my nose into THEIR portfolios, and even if I’m not a member of THEIR pantheon, I expect a similar level of respect when I’m being aggravating! Which is in itself aggravating! RECURSION FOR THE WIN!
  35. All the enhancement potions, super-soldier serums, and similar boosting effects that I give to my minions will be short-term only. Anyone who wants something permanent will have to buy it in the gift shop or volunteer to get experimented on! After all, such things ALWAYS exact a price proportionate to the power that they provide, and better it be “powered up for a few hours before taking a day off to sleep” than “go permanently insane with permanent super powers” unless that’s really what they want!
  36. Traveling performers and such can book the music hall down the block! If they want to perform for ME they can get accredited, build up a reputation and a repertoire, submit an application and a proposal, and go through a security check just like everyone else! Or they can get a recommendation from Leisure Suit Larry! Whichever!.
  37. If some mystic balance must be maintained, I will have a mechanic check it over and then set it spinning! Gyroscopes are a lot more stable! And it can’t be me upsetting it anyway! There are PLENTY of things out there that AREN’T aggravating to balance out me!
  38. If I am having a tantrum, my minions will be fully authorized to hit ME with a pie, and will have orders to do so! Tantrums aren’t really much fun anyway and pie fights make an excellent countermeasure!
  39. I will abuse time travel to train with the great masters! Not only are the arts a nice hobby but it will let me buy a lot of otherwise unknown original works at discount prices to decorate my residence with! Go ahead, blow the place up, destroy priceless pieces of history! At least until I abuse time travel some more to get them back!
  40. If confronted with a sealed cosmic power in a can, an omnipotent artifact of doom, or any similar macguffin I will add a minor fascination charm and a cigarette-lighter charm to it and use it to get free drinks and break the ice with women! The accumulated sleaze will soon drain all narrative importance from it and give me plenty of time to find out if the obvious booby trap is actually somehow useful!
  41. My citizens shall be well-educated, so that any would-be rebels will be able to realize that the odds are against them and that they have hundreds of other options! That way they can bog down endlessly in debates, discussions, and petitions!
  42. If I am engaged in a war, SOMEONE is losing their job! All conflicts come down to a tiny band of heroic adventurers against me anyway, so wars are pointless, messy, and wasteful! Why not just skip to the main event and let the taxpayers (and those cute new girls in my harem) get on with their jobs!
  43. If some terrible entity demands a sacrificial victim that has some special quality, I shall find a more reasonable entity that is willing to take a retainer and work for cash or just for the LOL’s! It’s a big multiverse and there is no need to work with obnoxious, demanding, occult entities when there are plenty of more reasonable ones out there!
  44. There is nothing like existential confusion to aggravate people! I shall leave both my subjects and the heroes opposing me hopelessly confused at every opportunity; and preferably unsure as to whether I am good or evil or just crazy! Consistency is for Overlords who aren’t cartoons!
  45. I will ensure that all heroes have evil (and grandstanding, if not especially effective) twins and vice versa! It will help keep things interesting if no one knows who is who!
  46. I will have an Evil Grand Vizier, of the sort who will advise everyone that he or she is a treacherous master of exotic poisons, twirl his villainous mustache or peer through her villainous spectacles at them, and then offer everyone tea and cookies that he or she had especially made!
  47. When some terrible quest needs to be accomplished, I shall send off the youngest kid who’s successfully completed an immortality ritual and a linking effect! Those things are most fun when you’re young and it’s always the youngest one who goes who succeeds anyway! I shall also give them a cat! Those always help!
  48. I will invite a selection of witches, fairy godmothers, mysterious gypsies, and similar occult types to my kids parties! Some suitably modified curses and blessings make a fine basis for pretty much any fantastic fantasy career!
  49. If any gods or goddesses want me to judge something, or decide who is best at something, or otherwise settle something, I shall remain utterly flippant! If they wanted a serious opinion on something they wouldn’t have come to ME!
  50. There shall be monster preserves with a limited number of no-kill monster fighting permits available for heroes to practice their skills! You never know when you’re going to need either a hero or a monster or a pair of them who have had a recent bonding experience!

And hopefully the various time-sinks that have kept me from writing for the past month have been dealt with…

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Prince Bluebloods Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part V – The Palatial Personal Parlor Of Perilously Prepared Pretentious Proverbs

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

And today it’s more Pony Overlord rules, for those times that you just want to be irritating…

  1. All of my guest quarters shall actually be miles away and linked to my fortress by an authorized-use-only teleportation doorway with guard-operators standing by all night! Servants, kitchens, air conditioning vents, and so on will be purely local, so anyone who wants to get out and sneak around can stealthily explore the wrong place entirely!
  2. Members of my legions will get free training and tuition as well as substantial pay raises for increasing their qualifications! Adding things like “Lay Therapist”, “Hostage Negotiator”, or “Plumber” will be strongly encouraged! I want the general public to assume that my guards are omni-competent and can be turned to to resolve any problem and I want heroes to have to deal with guards who will be attempting psychotherapy and non-violent conflict resolution between pies!
  3. Everybody thinks that plans calling for intervention from magic unicorns are impractical, but I shall show them that they are wrong!
  4. Occasionally I will dig out and erect a massive crypt-dungeon, filled with formidable defenses, clever traps, and terrible monsters, then ceremoniously hide a locked and warded chest in the central crypt, offering no public explanation! The chest will hold a supply of glasses and good liquor, a high-quality first aid kit, a random bonus prize, and personally signed certificates of graduation from the Blueblood Academy for Adventurers. I will then offer to hire graduates if I ever need an artifact or something retrieved from an ancient temple of doom, liche’s crypt, or similar location.
  5. My employees will have decent tailoring, good grooming, elocution lessons, regular visits to the spa, and decent hygiene! If they want to act like uncouth barbarians, I shall open a gate to Valhalla and see if Odin would like to run an exchange program for some bored Einherjar who would like to try a modern deathstyle for a bit and train with modern weapons and pies!
  6. I will instruct my fashion designer that – when designing for a pony – it is accessories, not outfits! After all, it’s not like any conceivable outfit could possibly be much of an improvement on ME!
  7. My guards will be perfectly capable of functioning in the dark! Between night-sight gear, spells, training, and blindfolded combat practice it shouldn’t be any problem at all and it will give the visually handicapped a chance to shine!
  8. My stronghold shall be overstaffed, for many hands makes for light work! Outsiders who show up claiming to be there to do maintenance, make repairs, or install special equipment will be directed to appropriate properties around the city that are in need of work! I have lots! Their activities will then be reviewed and rated online! They had best hope that they are actually good at repairs!
  9. When my employees park their vehicles to do something on foot, they will do it in full confidence that attempting to bypass said vehicles biometric security locks will lead to being dosed with knockout gas, entangled with mystic chains, or whatever other random security feature the weekly security competition has put in this week.
  10. I will not add unsuitable females to my harem! One night stands are one thing, but who needs troublemakers in the family?
  11. If my chief engineer upsets me (or gets too frustrated with me using magic to do things) I shall reassign him to the Kerbal Space Program! It’s not like I have a lot of real engineering to be done anyway; I am a magic unicorn pony!
  12. I shall not fill the corridors with traps! I have kids, servants, and hundreds of minions, many of whom will doubtless be injured for every hero who is mildly inconvenienced! Instead there will be occasional clearly labeled dead-end side-corridors leading to nonlethal containment traps that the heroes can assume are protecting something important and meddle with to their hearts content!
  13. If the Girl Scouts are delivering my Thin Mints, a servant will meet them at the door with the required forklift and take them around to the kitchen. They will then be offered tickets to an amusement park, but NOT a tour of my stronghold unless it’s “bring your child to work” day and they happen to be some employees offspring.
  14. When I install “Spiked Deadfalls”, “Scorpion Pits”, “Shark Tanks”, “Piranha Pools”, or any similar “death trap” or “execution” device, they shall actually be illusions over teleportation portals that will drop those who pass through randomly into the homes of energetic old ladies armed with broomsticks, cantankerous old men with shotguns loaded with salt, highly skilled female martial artists who happen to be in the shower, or in front of a monstrous family watching TV who can be counted on to scream “A HUMAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES KIDS, I’LL HOLD IT OFF! CALL THE POLICE!”.
  15. When the heroes inevitably toss ME into one of those “death traps” I shall let my natural background music swell and announce that I have come to grant whoever is there a wish – and presuming that it is at all reasonable, I shall not be a Jackass or even a Literal Genie about it. As a side benefit, when I’m teleporting or dimension hopping, I’m more likely to get a friendly reaction to my abrupt appearance!
  16. While I shall invariably taunt my enemies as I escape, the fact that I usually do so by teleporting or dimension-hopping (at least when no water slide is available) means that such taunts must be prerecorded! They will be delivered by automated Taunt-O-Matic (TM!) systems. Being an Aggravating Overlord calls for the occasional sacrifice!
  17. I will not send out droid, undead, or golem armies against heroes who are reluctant to kill living beings but have no qualms about destroying constructs. Instead I shall place kittens and puppies in need of difficult and lengthy rescue efforts in their way and save the army of constructs for things like dam-building, mining, and other tedious large-scale projects where they might actually accomplish something useful.
  18. I shall not be typecast! My every outfit and hairstyle will be a bold fashion statement and always different! It’s not like they won’t be able to identify me anyway! How many other Aggravating Unicorn Pony Overlords have YOU seen?
  19. My doomsday devices shall have digital timers that reset to various random numbers every few seconds after they are tampered with! When they happen to hit zero there will be a blinding moment of flash photography and the resulting picture will be published with the headline “Blundering “Heroes” Accidentally Trigger “Doomsday Device”. Child’s Birthday Cake Ruined” since any such “Doomsday Device” is actually going to be an elaborate baking oven.
  20. If my guards are defeated in battle, I will route my attackers through several video-game worlds instead! Perhaps they can show me how to get past “Waterfall”, “Animal Antics”, “Ninja Gaiden”, “Dr Wiley’s Castle”, “Aztec”, “The Perfect Run”, “Through the Fire and Flames”, “The Water Temple”, “The Dam”, and :”Turbo Tunnel”!
  21. If I have something the heroes vitally need, and one of them or their hangers-on suddenly offers to warm my bed (and I find them sufficiently appealing), I shall take full advantage of the situation while ensuring that the actual item is in a safety-deposit box in a random bank while I am only carrying a copy! If they’re going to be underhanded, I shall be underhanded too – and I will still get something for my trouble!
  22. I will not triumphantly grab and try to use some ancient mystic/psionic/alien/lost science artifact! Those things never work right until they’ve been analyzed, properly attuned by being “paid for” in some fashion, and put into your inventory! Besides, I wouldn’t be an Overlord if I didn’t have plenty of power and artifacts already!
  23. I will be very selective in my hiring of character assassins! Entirely too many columnists, comedy hosts, and writers will happily turn on you at a moments notice or do hackwork that is all too easily revealed as a hired hit piece!
  24. I shall not conceal my weaknesses! Fine wines, pretty mares, good food, great personal accessories, and more do attract me, while dirt, damage to my hair, incompetent minions, poor hygiene, and noxious odors all repel me! I am, however, neither stupid nor incapable of self-control! I can and will ignore such things when something important is going on!
  25. Any important facilities, storage areas, escape pods, and similar necessities will be found INSIDE my defenses! Leaving important stuff unprotected is asking for it and I do that enough anyway!
  26. I reserve the right to fire minons who are excessively irritating know-it-alls who say “I told you so!” too much! It’s not like ANY plan is likely to hold up when a bunch of crazy heroes comes through anyway, so they’re not exactly making a useful contribution there!
  27. When my mechanisms, spells, rituals, and mad science devices fail, they will do so in great bursts of colored light and loud bangs with symphonic accompaniment! Everypony loves a good fireworks display!
  28. I will employ stone, metal, modern safety techniques, and warding spells to make sure that my stronghold is proof against fire, flood, storms, natural disasters, and various other hazards while requiring minimal maintenance! Cheap construction always costs you more in the long run!
  29. I shall hire some competent people to run my intelligence, census, and similar services! There is no use trying to give orders to make things sillier if you do not know what is going on!
  30. If a hero feels a need to speak to me in person, there is always videoconferencing! Otherwise he or she can await one of my general audience days, just like everybody else! And bring a fruit basket!
  31. I will have many projects going on at once! This is what Delegation and Subdivisions are for! If some heroes disrupt one project, well, there shall be a dozen more that actually get finished!
  32. Drugs, rituals, artifacts, and pacts offering immortality will be carefully examined for difficulty and drawbacks and filed accordingly! While I have Immortality ANYWAY, the kids don’t always inherit it and I can only bestow it up until they move out! If any of them want to put up with whatever drawbacks a given method has (there are always SOME) I will gladly help them get it set up!
  33. Any classical monsters working for me will be provided with new riddles, weaknesses, or vulnerable points! There is no point in having a guardian or enforcer that can be defeated by any kid with access to Google!
  34. Just in case there is a background music failure, I will have a backup background music system installed, complete with an AI to pick something appropriate. What is a good scene without background music?
  35. I will keep my priorities in order! Dramatic Escapes (Family first, and with less drama), Cool Scenes, Being Annoying, Bad Puns, Expanding My Harem, Teaching Moments, Coming Up With Evil Explanations for Nice Deeds, Chocolate Desserts, Ruling Effectively, and Finding More Heroes to Amuse Me, in that order!
  36. If a Hero or (especially!) Heroine starts a transformation sequence, I will wait until it is halfway through to interrupt and point out that they are now naked. If necessary, I will use my powers of transmutation on their clothing to ensure that this is so – and to make sure that it remains true. There’s nothing like a bunch of naked heroes doing a Benny Hill chase scene!
  37. My word is my bond! My Safeword, on the other hand, is Power Word Escape!
  38. Collecting Dread Artifacts of Great Power is always fun until you try to use them for something important, at which point they invariably backfire! I will use them only for trivia, and when a hero steals one because “He does not know what he has his hooves on!” I shall laugh uproariously when it blows up in his or her face! Besides… Aggravating Overlord Vastly Wealthy Influential Magic Cartoon Unicorn Wizard here, remember? It’s not like dread artifacts are going to do much that I can’t find a way to do anyway!
  39. I will make sure that any invisibility devices that I either use or leave around to be stolen will stop working at dramatic moments! What good is a dramatic moment with no audience?
  40. Any robots will have concealed power systems, well inside. The vulnerable external power pack will be a popcorn grenade trap (because a hero who tries this obviously needs more grains!) Set to go off when somebody grabs it!
  41. Zombie, Ghoul, Vampire, Wraith and other undead armies are GROSS. Also useless and prone to going out of control. The necromancer down the block can HAVE them. A squad of scantily dressed lovely cat girls and/or handsome and virile horse boys looking for someone to protect and rescue them from me is FAR more effective at delaying heroes – and lets me get rid of them. Where do the blasted things keep coming from anyway?
  42. I shall not be cheap. What use is being incredibly wealthy if you do not spend your money? Hordes are for dragons, and look how much good they do THEM.
  43. Any idea that crosses my mind will get serious consideration! After all, how can I be stopped if even I do not know what I am up to at any given moment?
  44. If cornered I will break out the emergency eyepatch, pirate shirt, and ninja-to. Then I shall be invincible! Or in a mental hospital. If it works for the Joker, it will work for me!
  45. I shall have small, cute, furry things with big eyes handle my personal security! Even if the heroes should somehow work up a desire to attack, the law of cartoon cute will stop them.
  46. If I must resort to generic villainy, I shall go to a discount club and invest in an entire pallet of the large economy size. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to run out of villainy?
  47. Any offerings of cringing slaves, frightened children, or beautiful young virgin women will be accepted, sorted out by the staff, given meals and appropriate treatment, and either sent home or – if they actually want a job – given the usual security checks and evaluation. (See Legions Of Cuddly, Harem, and Staff). Adults who show up four or more times will be referred to social services! Children who prove to have been around this four or more times will be given a swat on the rear, a good scolding, and a note sent to their parents or social workers! If they have neither they will be assigned some social workers! I am not a babysitting service most of the time!
  48. If I feel a need to demonstrate my utter decadence, ruthless domination, or extreme edginess I will hire in some people to play the necessary roles! The look on the heroes faces when some of the heads “mounted on the wall” ask them how they’re doing is priceless!
  49. Whenever a policeman comes to arrest me, or solo hero tries to capture me, or I am somehow trapped in the company of someone utterly unlike me, I shall consider how amusing they seem likely to be and then either 1) Teleport, or 2) Use my “change genre” power to make it a “Buddy Picture” just in case it wasn’t already.
  50. If the heroes attempt to break or reform me by listing off all my flaws, errors, failures, and bad habits I shall listen closely! They will almost certainly remind me of several fun things that I need to do again!

Anomaly – Things Of Interest Around Vitromasse

And for today’s bonus post, since the players voted for Avrinthos, here are some of the things going on in the area.

  • The Star Treaders. Vitromasse isn’t a major stop for the Star Treaders – unusually for them, most of their usual stock-in-trade is actually less variegated and exotic than what is available locally and nobody really wants their “technology” – but supplies of air and water are basically free, the Gathri may not be all that friendly but they’re willing to sell plenty of food cheaply, and the local Suugken holdings will sell them the occasional outright quasi-miracle. Even along their routes, that’s a rarity. Few of the accessible worlds in their realm have developed the local psychic and material technologies to such a degree. They still stop by every month or two, and are often looking for something they have heard is available on the anomaly – somewhere.
  • The Formless Horrors. Thanks to the Tindalos birthright, it’s all too common in Avrinthos for someone to call up something that he, she, ze, or it, cannot put down. Despite the efforts of the Gaunthounds, it’s not uncommon for something to be missed – and so there will have to be hunts to put down the latest formless-tentacled-horror that’s melting people’s flesh / sucking the blood from people so they rise as some sort of mummy / whispering horrific occult secrets into people’s minds and driving them mad. There are probably two or three aroud the place at the moment.
  • Elkdunar. This village was relatively nearby, (about fifteen miles, along the twisting routes in the mountains about three days travel), but has apparently been destroyed by giant monsters. The current popular rumor is that the Jagurhund Ramperdr forged himself a Masque Of Wrath and wiped the place out. The more sober people are hoping that it’s something else; someone who’d forge a Masque Of Wrath is unlikely to stop at wiping out one village, The locals are currently debating whether or not to send a group to investigate.
  • Sturmkanal (so named due to the regular lightning strikes on it): Perched atop a nearby mountain, this massive (metal?) citadel apparently dates back to a previous cycle. Why it’s still working is an open question, but the usual answer was that it was somehow brought to life millennia past, and so has it’s own Birthright – so it and everything in it’s interior will continue to operate under that Birthrights rules as long as the castle survives. The castle itself is noted for it’s many traps and monsters, it’s digital clocktower, and it’s incredible garishness – but adventurers who go poking about it in all too often come to a bad end. As a rule, however, Sturmkanal keeps to itself; if you don’t go and bang on the walls or go into the place, it’s not a problem.
  • Rilantha. The passes to the south, of course, lead into Rilantha – a realm noted for it’s colossal beasts and savage tribes. Occasional hunting expeditions (Usually Ri’on Huntsmen brought in by the Star Treaders) use Vitromasse as a jumping-off point, and there is always a market for multi-ton logs of ivory, incredibly tough behemoth hide, and similar products of giant beasts. Just as importantly, the local tribes may be a bit barbaric, but they’re generally up for some trading if someone brings along enough firepower to survive the trip.
  • The Olistor River: The riverboat that moves up and down the navigable section of the Olistor (The Tenshi) connects at least fifteen communities (argument continues on how to count logging camps and similar outposts) and is basically a small community in its own right. Rumors, of course, note the presence of water monsters, a mysterious cavern that leads elsewhere, some sort of tree-guardians attacking a logging camp, and the appearance of a Skinwalker that gunned down a gambling group and made off with the pot.
  • Vitromasse General Area: There’s been a good deal of trouble recently with things that come out of the ground – strange, partially-metallic beings riding huge spiders -but they rarely leave a lot of survivors (another reason why the locals been investing in more Guanthounds recently).
  • Vitromasse: A couple of young-adult Suugken are about ready to move out – and their mother (Intimoda, Time/Space Affinity, Exotic Technological Birthright) would rather like someone to keep an eye on them to improve their odds of survival. Unfortunately, while she one of the more formidable defenders of Vitromasse, and can build technical gear beyond most of the other locals skills, it simply wouldn’t be RIGHT to interfere with the kids Hegira directly.
  • Vitromasse: For those with ethics, the fact that most of the Guanthounds are the enslaved results of burning out much of a victim’s mind and involuntarily transforming them may be troubling. Whether or not much can be done about it is an awkward question.
  • Avrinthos: A number of youngsters are showing unfamiliar Birthrights; It is obvious that a Time Of Change began some years ago, and will not be causing increasing disruptions.
  • Far North: There are some tales that the Uruk, piloting a force of massive war machines that work like creatures, are making conquests up that way – but even with the various ways of speeding up travel available in Avrinthos, that area is some thousands of miles away. By the time such news makes it to Vitromasse any details in the stories are at least as likely to have been added along the way as to have been transmitted accurately.

Observations from Space (These are available to several characters):

  • Avrinthos: Most of the other villages that have been spotted on the surveys have at least one (and often more than one) odd phenomena near them – weird pyramids radiating strange energies, odd patches of forest, pools or “roads” of light, paths that go nowhere, and so on. Most such seem to either be considered local resources or are exploiting some other local resource themselves.
  • The surrounding realms:
    • There is crude AM traffic to the (quite arbitrary) north and more distant north east – mostly unencrypted AM. Fortunately, most of the major sources are broadcasting with far more power than a modern station requires, making much of the traffic relatively easy to intercept. For good or ill, however… much of it appears to be military. There seem to be various more-or-less local conflicts going on across Malador, Haldon, Orrort, Ustcheon, and Nichtfel along with a few large constructs moving about. Still, given the size of the realms… there are probably a fair number of peaceful areas as well. Much of the area seems to have a basic Railway Network that extends across several realms.
    • There’s also a lot of much more modern, throughly encrypted, traffic from the Crystalreaches, where something seems obsessed with constructing pylons. There is similar traffic – and some pretty odd energy readings – around Stardock. Given that the peak there seems to extend above the Anomalies atmosphere, and possibly actually extends into the Star Wars universe proper, there is some discussion of putting down a small ship simply to see if it can take off again.
    • Directly to the east, in Nilandar, there seem to be forests and islands cloaked in perpetual darkness. No one is quite sure how that works, but they aren’t quite sure how other places get sunlight anyway. Perhaps they are drawing it from other universes?
    • To the Northeast (in Leros) there appears to be large-scale irrigation, agriculture with at least some mechanized harvesting, and a fairly prosperous semi-industrial civilization – although, oddly enough, there is no radio traffic.

Things of Specific Interest:

  • The locals feel that if you want something REALLY large moved (such as Vanatica’s shuttle), the best thing to do is to call in some heavy haulers from Rilantha. It’s mildly expensive, but they can drag a LOT of stuff about. For faster travel, you’ll want someone with the right Birthright unless there are only a few of you and you can talk Intimoda into teleporting you.

The Anomaly: Vitromasse Village and it’s peoples – the Gathri, Suugken, and Gaunthounds.

Vitromasse is a hamlet in Avrinthos, located approximately sixty to a hundred miles from the “southern” edge of the realm and perhaps six hundred miles from the lower “western” vertex (the red “X” on the PDF map). The passes to the south thus lead down into the forests/jungles and rolling plains of Rilantha and the rugged Ricible Desert lies to the distant west. Here, the mountainside is interrupted by two layers of extremely hard and durable stone, with softer material eroded away from between and above them – providing an overhanging cliff and a relatively flat and durable foundation extending out to another cliffside below that. To the east a the massive Olistor Gorge cuts through the stone, dropping several hundred feet to the Olistor River – a surprising chunk of which is navigable. Nearby the forested slopes support a variety of tree-crops, predominantly Northern (they only grow on north-facing slopes for some reason) Hestor Nuts. Hestor Nuts are reasonably tasty, if more carbohydrate heavy than oily, and the abundant trees produce a massive yearly crop – a major source of food for Vitromasse’s people, their livestock, and much of the local wildlife. Other local “natural” resources include an Ironwood grove, Firesap Vines, Bronzefruit Lyfaygor trees, and excellent stone. Less “natural” resources include a Star Treader Lightpool from which Iounian Trade-Caravans emerge to resupply and exchange goods several times a year, being an occasional stop for travelers on the Olistor, trade-links with some of the Rilancian Tribes to the south, and having a reasonably good road route through the local mountains based on the same strata of stone that forms the foundation of Vitromasse.

While this would be more than enough to support a sizeable town in many of the Anomalies other realms, the numerous – and utterly unpredictable – hazards of Avrinthos tend to keep most settlements relatively small.

Central Vitromasse is nestled against the north-facing cliffside, and often under the overhang, but the farms and the secondary center around the Lightpool are further scattered – in both cases to the east, where the Olistor Gorge offers additional protection from wandering horrors. It is primarily inhabited by Gathri, Suugken, and (Transformed) Gaunthound Guard-Slaves, with a scattering of Oleri (small avian folk, generally not too clever and not tool users – which makes them poor player characters) and occasional other types.

Gathri (31 CP / +0 ECL):

Gathri are humanoids, but are somewhat shorter, more lightly built, and more agile than baseline humans, tend towards more angular, “fey”, features, and usually have swarthy green, light blue, violet, or blue-white colorations. They prefer well-constructed (and often fortified) hamlets and villages in cool climates and forested terrain and are extremely clannish, often having little use for (and a great deal of suspicion directed at) outsiders. Sadly, while they do tend towards large families, children are a group effort – and those who are disruptive, excessively questioning, don’t fit into the clan well, or are simply redundant. are commonly traded to other clans, sold as slaves, or otherwise used for the benefit of the clan as their differences cause them to be instinctively classified as “outsiders”. They tend towards worshiping ancestor and local spirits, extending their clannish tendencies to their deities. Adventurous Gathri are rare; most of what few do leave their communities behind for a time are usually simply attempting to deal with some threat to it, and will return to settle back in after that task. True wanderers tend to be regarded as renegades and madmen, and are often regarded with even more suspicion than members of other species.

  • As medium-sized humanoids, their baseline movement, attributes, equipment, and similar qualities are quite typical.
  • Attribute Shift: +2 Dex, -2 Str (6 CP).
  • Adept: May buy Craft, Perception, Profession, and Perform at half cost (6 CP).
  • Racial Skill Bonuses: +4 to any one Adept Skill, speak their Clan Dialect (3 CP).
  • Four levels of the Wilder Progression (Charisma Based), Specialized and Corrupted / provides no actual psionic powers, Power can only be spent to use Hedge Magic Disciplines, not for other purposes (8 CP), This gives them an effective Caster Level of Four and (17 + 2 x Cha Mod) Power.
  • Hedge “Magic”, Corrupted for Reduced Cost / does not include the ability to make Conjures (4 CP). As psionic disciplines it costs 1/2 a point of Power to use a “level zero” effect, one for a “level one effect”, and three for a “level two” effect.
  • Innate Enchantment, Specialized and Corrupted for Reduced Cost / Only for practical, utilitarian, effects, only 2500 GP total value, requires external foci items to function (2 CP). While the “items” available are fixed early on (generally focusing on the user’s choice of Adept skills), a Gathri will have various bits of practical (psionic) “magic” about – primarily drawing on the lists of Conjures under Hedge Magic and the Industrial Wights and Magic series. Enhanced tools, perpetual water fountains, high-speed looms, and ways to easily accomplish laborious tasks are their stock in trade. Questions like “who inherits the shop?” among them start off with narrowing things down to “the ones with appropriate attunements to use the facilities” – whether or not that happens to be one of the original owners kids. It is not uncommon for some esoteric shop to be simply left open – if a youngster with the ability to use it is born, or marries into the clan, it becomes theirs by default.
  • Immunity to Aging (Uncommon, Major, Trivial, 2 CP). Their psionic abilities tend to keep the Gathri vigorous and healthy. While they don’t actually live more than 20=25% longer than a normal human on the average, they do age very well, remaining healthy and vigorous well into their old age.

Gathri are rarely one of a regions great powers – they do not organize well beyond the local level of a few reasonably friendly clans – but they are exceptionally industrious and productive, usually have a great deal of leisure time and strong storytelling, theatrical, and musical traditions, and can defend themselves competently enough. They can be found occupying comfortable enclaves in a considerable number of the Anomalies realms.

Suugken (31 CP / +0 ECL):

Suugken are a quasi-reptilian species of “Lizard Men” that are born strongly attuned to one or another elemental force – with a fairly broad definition of what an “elemental force” is. Fire, Earth, Air, and Water are common, yes – but Suugken attuned to Time and Space, or Gravity, or any of many other forces have been encountered. Their glowing eyes may offer a clue as to what force they are attuned to, but the pattern is not entirely reliable. Overall, the fact that their flesh is partially made up of elemental energy neatly counteracts their tendency to consume metals and deposit them in their teeth, scales, and claws – becoming fairly well armored while retaining an overall neutral buoyancy in water. Their color patterns vary, but tend to be strongly influenced by the metallic portion of their diet. By human standards they tend to be tall and well-built – which is often somewhat on display, since their armor-plated metallic scales protects them well enough that only temperature extremes call for protective clothing.

Suugken are egg-layers, but have some difficulty producing offspring – a possible consequence of elemental mismatches between the mother and the embryonic offspring. Youngsters are treasured, and carefully protected, but adolescence is usually a period of wandering, during which young adults seek out other groups of Suugken, usually settling in one in need of someone with their particular elemental focus. They usually settle in jobs that exploit their considerable elemental prowess. For example, an expert with Fire may be a smith or potter, a warmage, specialize in catalytic effects, or a steam engineer.

Elder Suugken reportedly occasionally begin to increase in size, develop a greatly extended lifespan, and learn to adjust the elemental content of their flesh, developing the ability to adjust their average density enough to “swim” in the air – but this appears to be a very rare occurrence; the vast majority of them age and pass on normally. Most Suugken claim that on upon their physical deaths they merge with the force to which they are attuned, but any such “religion” is informal and entirely personal.

  • As medium-sized humanoids, their baseline movement, attributes, equipment, and similar qualities are quite typical.
  • Energy Infusion (6 CP). Suugken are born with a random Energy Infusion. While this is most commonly Elemental. Alignment and Planar infusions are reasonably common, the Forces show up occasionally, and there have even been extremely rare reports of Cosmological infusions.
  • Adept, Specialized for Double Effect and Corrupted for Reduced Cost / only for two skills – Wisdom-Based Rune Mastery and Rune Casting for their Energy Infusion Type, does not apply past their racial skill bonus (4 CP).
  • +3 SP (Effectively a +12 bonus) for each of their Adept skills, Corrupted for Reduced Cost / only becomes available gradually; Infants get no bonuses, Children get +4, Youths get +8, and Adults get the full +12 (4 CP).
  • 3d6 Mana, Specialized and Corrupted for Reduced Cost / only for Rune Magic, only for their specific Energy Infusion field (6 CP),
  • Rite of Chi with +4 Bonus Uses, Specialized and Corrupted / only to recover Mana for the Rune Magic field above, requires at least one hours rest per die (4 CP),
  • Innate Enchantment: Specialized for Increased Effect (abilities are considered extraordinary, not magical) / all abilities are blatant permanent physical changes. All Spell Level One, Caster Level One, Unlimited-Use Use-Activated, x.7 Personal-Only where relevant (6 CP).
    • Aspect Of The Lizard (Swim 30′, +3 Natural Armor, d8 Fangs and Claws, +4 on Stealth, 1400 GP).
    • +2 Constitution (1400 GP).
    • Produce Flame with +0 Metamagical Adjustment: Energy Type matches the user’s Energy Infusion (2000 GP).
    • Cure Light Wounds, 2/Day (heals self for 1d8+1 damage, 560 GP).
  • Speaks Draconic (1 CP).

Gaunthounds (36 or Zero Point Acquired Template):

Gaunthounds are people – most often slaves – who have been subjected to the Nightmare Binding ritual. Slaves are usually also subjected to curses of obedience, domestication, and subordination through the Dreambinding Ritual – although there are occasional volunteers who skip that part. Sadly, while the Nightmare Binding can provide a good deal of power, nothing is free: the new powers are paid for by reducing the victims mental attribute. Attributes of 12+ yield 6 CP per point given up, those of 10-11 yield 6 CP for being reduced by two, and those of 7-9 can be reduced by three to gain 6 CP. Attributes already at six or below cannot be further reduced to any profit, although one that was at seven can be reduced to four.

An average person – with 10’s and 11′ for mental attributes – can thus gain 36 CP by reducing their mental attributes by five each. This is not generally a good deal, which is why it’s usually only inflicted on slaves. The basic Guanthound Package costs 36 CP and includes:

  • Durability Of Nightmares: Grant Of Aid with +4 Bonus Uses (12 CP). With their bodies bound to the energies of a dream-hunting monster, Gaunthounds can endure a great deal of damage with no lasting consequences.
  • Bestial Form: Shapeshift, with the Dire, Hybrid, Clear Speech (corrupted/only reasonably clear), and Attribute Modifiers options, Specialized and Corrupted / the user cannot actually switch forms, but is stuck as a Dire Wolf hybrid, does not gain size modifiers (8 CP). +1d0 Hit Die, Specialized and Corrupted for Triple Effect / only to qualify for the Dire Wolf shapeshift (4 CP).
    • This is the usual shapeshift cheese to replace your original races physical attribute modifiers with those of another creature – and even downgraded to Medium Size those of a Dire Wolf are pretty good; This provides Str +6, Dex +6, Con +2, Scent, Low-Light Vision, 1d6 Natural Weapons, and +3 Natural Armor. Of course, it also means being a hulking, dire, carnivorous beast, needing great quantities of meat, having to have everything special-fitted, and generally being regarded as a socially-unacceptable animal.
  • Nightmare Guardian: Witchcraft III with Seize The Wandering Soul, Specialized for Reduced Cost / the user is subject to a powerful dose of canine instincts (12 CP): This provides Power equal to (the sum of the user’s physical attributes/3) and seven basic witchcraft abilities with a Save DC of (13 + Cha Mod). This usually isn’t very good – only Seize The Wandering Soul is the only one of their basic witchcraft abilities to offer a save at all, and it’s usually a group effort.
    • The Adamant Will, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (the user gains a passive +6 bonus to Will Saves to avoid being diverted from his or her duties) / has no other applications and makes the user’s emotions easy to read (+6 to Sense Motive checks against him or her).
    • Dreamfaring, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (Grants continuous awareness of adjoining dimensions and the user may spend 3 Power to be able to interact with such things for one minute) / not usable for other purposes, allows creatures in other dimensions to perceive the user, user is subject to sensory distractions from other dimensions and is sensitive to dimensional disturbances.
    • The Inner Eye, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (the user can sense malignant intent without expending power) / offers no other functions. While there is no save, pretty much any form of mental shielding will result in “no reading”.
    • Glamour, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect ( The user gets a +6 bonus to attempts at Intimidation and may share tactical considerations with other packmembers instantly at ranges of up to sixty feet at no Power cost) / can use no other abilities.
    • Healing, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (the user is immune to negative effects of drugs and intoxicant at no Power cost) / offers no other functions.
    • Hyloka, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect (time spent on guard duty counts as sleep) / offers no other functions.
    • Witchsight, Specialized and Corrupted for Increased Effect / Provides a +6 bonus to Perception and Survival at no power cost) / offers no other functions.

Optionally, a Guanthound who had high stats to start with can be given one or more of…

  • Nightbred: Add The Umbral Form and Nightforge (12 CP). Nightbred Gaunthounds can become shadows and turn shadows into adamantine forms – at least temporarily.
  • Warbred: Add Dismissal and Wrath Of The Sea (12 CP). Warbred Guanthounds can attempt to banish extradimensional forces and can augment their own strength, often to superhuman level.
  • Pitbred: Add Bones Of Iron and Leaping Fire (12 CP). Pitbred Gaunthounds can accelerate their movement, attacks, and healing and augment their physical toughness in a variety of ways.
  • Huntbred: Double Damage versus Nightmares, Lovecraftian Horrors, and creatures of the outer dimensions (6 CP) plus Track (Wilderness). Huntbred Gaunthounds are used to track down and eliminate the truly esoteric horrors that are far too often unleashed by people with the Tindalos Birthright.

Jagurhunds: On rare occasions a ritual victim will either find sufficient character points (whether unspent or by draining no-longer applicable talents) to avoid any major drain of his or her mental abilities or will start off with mental attributes so high as to remain fully functional afterwards. In such cases the usual curses of obedience, domestication, and subordination either do not stick or turn into a drive to give orders, run wild, and dominate, Such individuals are often fertile as well – and will usually try to gather a pack of subordinate gaunthounds and claim a territory of their own. They are often – albeit not always – more than a bit angry about their transformations.

Anomaly – Local Regions

And for today (and for the convenience or the local players) it’s a bonus post – a “Map” showing the general layout of the local regions of the Anomaly. Sadly, given that the layout covers about two and a half times the area of the Earth (with a much higher percentage of land, at least in this general area), actual terrain features are generally too small to be a concern. Fortunately, most “hexes” have reasonably consistent terrain, environment, and weather. There is, of course, no way that this could work naturally – but it’s hard to get much more unnatural than the Anomaly. And for the convenience of anyone who wants a better look, Anomaly Local Regions I.

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part IV – The Glorious Gardens of Gratuitously Garbled Gnomics

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

  1. All my giant monsters will be fitted with appropriate armor, eye protection, and equipment, including automatic healing magic packs! Giant monsters are a fairly expensive bit of lair furnishings, and shall be paid, properly equipped, and provided with healthcare, just like all the other minions!
  2. When recruiting I will favor intelligence, enthusiasm, and youth over accomplishment! It’s not like I’m ever going to be asking my staff to do something reasonable, with precedent, or sane anyway, so imagination will help them a lot more than knowing a long list of reasons why it is impossible to do what I want! Let the heroes get stuck with the old fuddy-duddies who know all the reasons why things won’t work!
  3. All witchy crones, clairvoyant or prophetic hags, mystic hermits, herbalists and brewers of potions, itinerant holy men, fey-touched advisors, occult blacksmiths, runemasters, and similar practitioners of hedge magic, shall be moved into decent country cottages with reliable utilities, picket fences, kitchen gardens, and regularly scheduled landscaping and maintenance services, at no cost. Furthermore, regular supplies of canned goods, new clothing, and soap will be delivered to them in exchange for copious supplies of hangover cures and similar conveniences. Helping to overthrow the Dark Overlord is one thing. Helping to overthrow the landlord who’s letting you stay rent free and is still paying for your services is something else altogether!
  4. Basic military security calls for never telling people more than they need to know at the moment, so that they cannot reveal vital information if captured! Given that I invent entirely new insane plans every few minutes and habitually speculate wildly, every one of my lieutenants will know a dozen different and wildly contradictory plans while I will do whatever comes into my head at the moment! What’s the point of being an Overlord if you can’t change your mind when it suits you?
  5. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic parties suitable for all contingencies, so that no hero will ever be able to make the situation serious enough to support long-term effects or the use of real weapons.
  6. My Legions of Cuddly will have a strong affirmative action policy towards hiring the handicapped! Spells and technology can make up for that kind of thing anyway and there is NOTHING like a headline declaring ““Hero” beats up blind man!” to reduce their public support!
  7. My personal guards shall be extremely attractive. There’s no reason to be pushy or sexually harass them (and lots of reasons not to, starting with having PLENTY of willing sexual partners), but when you’re running an empire you CAN have both competence and decorativeness in one package.
  8. If I have taken someone hostage they will be sent on a comfortable vacation on Hawaii on an alternate timeline at about 20,000 BC. Their position in any hostage drama will be played by an actor, illusion, or faithful minion. That way there will be no risk of actual injury OR of the “weak, helpless, inexperienced, naive, foolish, etc, etc, etc” hostage suddenly doing something useful at the moment of dramatic climax!
  9. I will distribute variously distorted maps of my (ever-changing) secret passages, random dark mystic secrets that “can be my downfall”, terrible summoning rituals, strange weapons and artifacts, and random junk from antique shops run by mysterious elderly oriental gentlemen to assorted aged hermits and hidden locations! First off, what fun is owning first-edition copies of the Necronimicon, Ars Geotica, Clavicule of Solomon, Darkhold, Celaeno Fragments, Cthäat Aquadingen, Cultes des Goules, De Vermis Mysteriis, Dhol Chants, Heptameron, Liber Juratus, Pnakotic Manuscripts, Sefer ha-Razim I and II, Unaussprechlichen Kulten, and Zanthu Tablets if you’re not going to do anything with them? (And it’s not like I’m going to use them MYSELF). Secondarily, any hero who can turn THAT kind of junk into something useful in hopes of it being my downfall is skilled enough to do better on their own anyway while the UNSKILLED ones will just get themselves into trouble!
  10. My Legions of Cuddly will have proper, biometrically-locked, tactical communication and display computers! When on duty they and the guard commander in the tactics room will know where their teammates are, who is talking to them, and whether something has happened to any one of them at all times! They will also know when to sound the alarm, how to search, and basic security procedures, for that is what the training budget is for!
  11. If an adventuring or potential hero has mentors, teachers, and/or best friends, I shall quietly send them money, training supplies, and clues that they can mysteriously support the heroes with! That way I can secretly steer the heroes into a surprise party and celebrity roast where they can be extensively embarrassed!
  12. If I have a hero and their party trapped, I will not wait until my party cannon is ready to start the festivities if more conventional pies are available.
  13. Whenever my plans include a timetable or checklist, it will include dozens of entries that have nothing to do with anything! Including things like “Attend Grandkids Birthday Party”! I always invent my “plans” on the spot anyway!
  14. My secret archives shall be heavily encrypted! Those embarrassing family photos and movies are NOBODY ELSE’S BUSINESS! They are also an appropriate punishment for anyone who goes to all the trouble to steal and decrypt them! Finally, if stolen, there are secure online backups. My parents would be upset if something happened to all that stuff!
  15. Before I burst into the heroes secret hideout MY personal Oracle will make sure that they are there and that it is not a trap! I am NOT wasting a perfectly good dramatic entrance on a bomb or something! The triggered spells for the spotlight, smoke, amplified dramatic voice, and all the rest take a good deal of effort to set up!
  16. Zen is a thing! I shall live life as it comes, respond to the exigencies of the moment, and go with the flow! Only thus (or, you know, by being a Cartoon ANYWAY) can I always be prepared for any eventuality and be utterly unpredictable!
  17. If I get a hold of something very important to the heroes I shall put it up on Ebay with a nice high minimum bid! It’s not like a bunch of heroes wouldn’t find a way to get it back no matter what if it is really important to them, but this way they shall wind up broke and pay me for the privilege!
  18. When planning an expedition I shall ensure that the route passes through several excellent places for an ambush! I shall also offer chances to come along as prizes for children who are doing well in elementary school!
  19. My bodyguards will be allowed to hear whatever I have to say! I’m trusting them to protect me from attacks, I’m not going to get paranoid about them knowing a few things! Besides, most of what I say is for comedic effect anyway!
  20. If the rebellion tricks me, I shall graciously credit them! If they try the same trick again it shall be used as the lead-in to a countertrick unless is was REALLY funny, in which case they can get away with repeating it until it gets boring or becomes a running but basically ineffectual gag!
  21. I will have prerecorded monologues and body doubles available for confronting each of my enemies. That way when they try to use my villainous monologing to gather clues and gain time to escape while I am so occupied they will find the clues way out of date and that I am well ahead of them!
  22. My sapient computers will regard viruses and hacking attempts like normal people regard con artists! When such things are tried against them they will identify the source and pretend to cooperate while sending in the police!
  23. I shall be an enlightened despot! Prosperous realms full of happy people pay more taxes and make less trouble! Any necessary examples shall be made from people whom pretty much everyone hates! Anyone who’s likely to be stabbed by the other inmates if sent to prison will probably be a good choice!
  24. If I decide to dramatically place a base beneath the ocean, inside a volcano, in a glacier, in a mighty cavern, or any other location prone to exploding/collapsing/allowing people to easily drop in on it from above, it will be strictly for fun and everyone will evacuate by teleportation the moment any of the alarms go off!
  25. I have PLENTY of money! I shall be massively overstaffed so everyone can work short hours with plenty of time for breaks, sick days, or taking naps if they feel tired! After all, if I’m hiring bright kids for things I have to make proper allowances!
  26. I will make a habit of confessing to completely absurd stories about things that I have not (and probably could not) have done! With chortling and sarcasm! That way, if I ever actually HAVE done something and feel some weird urge to confess, I can ham it up and throw in impossible details until no one will believe a word I say anyway!
  27. If I am in deadly peril and a hero reaches out to rescue me, I shall not attempt to take him or her down with me, even if I DO return from death! I will accept the assistance, help him or her out of the inevitable follow-up peril, and enjoy the bonding experience! We can go back to hostilities later in the spirit of good sportsmanship!
  28. Any ghosts who wish to haunt my stronghold can put in an employment application like anybody else! They will not, however, qualify for the optional life insurance! If ghosts are good enough for Hogwarts they are good enough for me!
  29. Anyone who attempts to swim the moat will find themselves aboard the Calypso sailing under Jacques-Yves Cousteau as he explores the seas of the underworld! They will just have to go on a wild adventure to get back!
  30. If an expert refuses to work for me I shall offer more money and benefits! If he or she still will not accept… I shall ask the me in the alternate universe where he or she did accept to share the research or design results in exchange for something similar that didn’t work out in HIS universe!
  31. If a hero shouts “Look out behind you!” I shall teleport us BOTH to a safer spot with a good view of the first one! If it’s a trick, it won’t accomplish much, and if it’s a genuine warning it’s time for a nice lunch and working things out diplomatically, since said hero obviously wasn’t all that hostile to begin with!
  32. I’m personally conjuring everything important anyway. I will outsource anything that isn’t too important. What else is money FOR?
  33. I shall not build any device meant to transfer energy into me. I’ve done that too many times already! Besides, since I’ve discovered super-triple-mocha-chocolate-expresso “Biohazard” coffee, who needs them?
  34. Any carts, wagons, or trucks full of loose material or boxes large enough for someone to hide in will be directed to the loading docks at my warehouse across town. Any hay shall be properly made into hayfries, hayburgers, or similar foods before being brought into my stronghold! It’s not a place for bulk goods!
  35. Festivals, conventions, contests, and mass celebrations will be held at appropriate facilities! My stronghold – except for the emergency shelter in the basement, which is a public service – is for me and my staff (and occasional heroes!), not for random members of the public!
  36. My ultimate coffee making machine will have circuit breakers, surge suppressors, and multiple backups! I am NOT going WITHOUT MY COFFEE! And when I had to use time travel to go back to when it was working I kept having to WAIT IN LINE BEHIND MYSELF! It was entirely unacceptable!
  37. I shall chew the scenery! Be the biggest ham around! Overact and make EVERYTHING out to be the most important thing EVER! Why be an Overlord if you aren’t going to enjoy every minute of it?
  38. If I capture someone known for solving problems with ingenious and fantastic gadgets, I will give them access to a laboratory, several assistants, tell them to sign here to be allowed to use the facilities, monitor EVERYTHING, and claim patent rights on, and make use of, anything they come up with in MY laboratories!
  39. I will cackle and gloatingly tell the heroes that whatever they have done has served my true purposes, whether or not this is true! If they believe me, then they will doubt all of their actions! If they do not, then I have an opportunity to get them into some version of a “Did Too!” “Did Not!” argument suitable for five year olds until “them leave in disgust”!
  40. If there is a famine or other disaster I will rush all necessary relief supplies there at once! Not only is this good publicity, it helps maintain the tax base, discourages dissent, creates a fertile recruiting ground for minions, makes heroes doubt their motives, and costs me nothing but a minute or two! Overstaffed and ability to conjure stuff in mass quantities, remember?
  41. I will also fund urban renewal and youth outreach programs! Slums, gangs, and desperate youths often provide heroes with unexpected allies seeking to express their suppressed teenage idealism! And the vast majority of heroes will have a much harder time fighting against disadvantaged youths who are seeking a better life!
  42. I will not attempt to keep my doings a secret! It’s not like I’m ashamed of the things I do! (If for some reason I AM, I will see a psychiatrist! If the objection is rational, I will then NOT DO IT. If it is some silly hangup, I will get it cured and then indulge!). And secrets always come out at the worst possible moment, such as when everyone who would turn against you if they were revealed is handy to hear them! If they are going to turn against me, they can protest at the time, propose alternative plans, and if nothing else can be done, they can resign, take their severance package and gold watch, and help the heroes if they wish! Peaceably retired people living on Overlord Pension Programs in overlord-funded retirement villages rarely help rebellions against the overlord all that much!
  43. My relatives will all get stipends! They can have jobs if they are compatible, competent at whatever-it-is, and want to do the work! If not, then they can party on!
  44. My consorts shall know from the start that the position includes perpetual youth, wealth, healing, semi-immortality, wealth, and the use of an immense variety of facilities! They shall also know from the start that they can leave when they wish and that it is a position in my harem! Why would I want someone in my household or bed who isn’t happy there?
  45. Hostages will not be used as bait. For THAT all you need is a rumor! Moreover, threats are NOT a useful way to gain compliance! Sure, some incompetents will fall for that, but anyone competent will realize that there will be no end to such demands, and will just go straight for your throat! Besides, it’s rude and dishonorable!
  46. I will hire an expert marksman with a tranquilizer rifle to guard the gates of my stronghold! His job will be to settle down giant monsters, administer antidotes to drug-crazed berserkers, and vaccinate any of the kids who try to avoid it! For challengers he will switch to a paintball gun!
  47. I will explain to my legions of cuddly that Pies are multipurpose instruments! They can be used in ranged combat, in close combat, as snacks or rations, as peace offerings, as booby traps, to mark turns and trails, as monster lures, as props, to produce oil slicks, to briefly blind the enemy, as monster diversions, to cover the scent of your tracks, and for various other purposes! That is why they shall all be trained to use pie powers! And friendship beams once those are available!
  48. My vulnerabilities are things that hurt me, like everybody else! Fortunately, as a cartoon, very, VERY, little does that, and letting the rumors spread will discourage attacks!
  49. I will not make alliances with greater powers since I do not admit their existence! I shall not make alliances with lesser powers either! Alliances are for EQUALS. Lesser powers are available as EMPLOYEES. This is why MONEY is one of the greatest powers of all!
  50. Like the roman legions, my legions will be kept reasonably busy during downtime! There are hospitals, spas, public service opportunities, gyms, and training courses! They shall have plenty of ways to keep busy and earn those bonuses!

Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part III – The Wine Cellar Of Dubious Drunken Declarations.

And today’s segment is dedicated to the TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Rules page – where quite a lot of additional Evil Overlord rules can be found!

Previously on the Aggravating Overlord Channel…

  1. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “Mercy”! But the tickling will continue until they say “Uncle”!
  2. I will contact people near the heroes at random via projected image and publicly insist that they deliver their reports! No matter what they say, I shall look intrigued, thank them for their coded report, and leave them a modest cash bonus and some coupons with odd wording that might be coded instructions!
  3. I will hire all mad scientists capable of designing doomsday weapons and put them to work DOING SOMETHING ELSE. How many times do I have to point out that ->I<- live here TOO?!?!
  4. If my supreme command center comes under attack I will set off an illusion of it falling to bits and project an image of myself announcing “You may have scored a small “victory” today heroes, but my plans are further along than ever!” before it and the “rubble” vanish with a teleportation signature.
  5. Any data file of crucial importance will be non-existent! I am making this up as I go along! I will, however, be irate if they capture all my save game files!
  6. I will accept all challenges from heroes! But no matter what they propose, I shall interpret it as a challenge to one or another collectible children’s card game so that they will first have to learn the overly-complicated rules and spend a lot of money building a deck! Did I mention that I own most of those companies?
  7. To keep my subjects from rebelling or assisting heroes, I will make sure that things are actually pretty nice in my realm! It’s not like I cannot afford it! How would making the general population miserable provide me with more fun than my limitless funds and total authority can get me anyway?
  8. I will not order anyone to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me! I shall raise the kid to take over when I retire! I’ve got to do it SOMETIME and leaving a properly trained successor is part of the job! Besides, the kid will almost certainly turn out to be one of mine anyway!
  9. I will claim full credit for the actions of Murphy! It’s not like anyone will believe that I’m not throwing silly obstacles in the heroes way anyway!
  10. My Stronghold of Doom (TM) is going to be a personal conjuration, so if it gets captured by a hero I will simply drop it and conjure it anew somewhere else! If I know the heroes forces are advancing and will arrive shortly, I may do this just before they arrive and leave a forwarding address to a post office box in Saskatchewan and some stray SCUBA gear. That should keep them entertained soggy for quite some time!
  11. Magic and technology that can resurrect martyrs will be encouraged! That way heroic sacrifices won’t mean anything and will have little or no emotional impact or dramatic effect!
  12. I shall secretly sponsor and fund committees demanding all sorts of reforms and advocating my overthrow! I shall, however, make sure that my loyal opposition only gets my attention when they actually have a good idea which I can co-opt!
  13. I will not employ devious schemes involving the hero’s getting into my inner sanctum! If they really insist, they can just follow the signs showing the direct route to the orgy room!
  14. All Oracles in my realm will be provided with helpful aides who will file notarized copies of any prophecies with a central database! It’s not like fighting a valid prophecy is of any use anyway and you can’t work around what you don’t know about!
  15. There are counters for everything, so I shall just focus on having a wide variety of powers to choose from at random in any confrontation! A hero who can successfully plan for “he might do any damned thing!” deserves a little win!
  16. My Stronghold of Doom (TM) shall be designed to be enormously impressive and have someone assigned to answer the door! Making it impregnable just means that heroes will find a way to get inside without knocking!
  17. I shall inform any enemy who manages to get past the guards and confront me that their heroism has shown them worthy of an engagement to whichever one of my children is currently looking for a mate and finds them attractive! While they are still sputtering, I shall unleash the tailors and the wedding planners!
  18. If I capture the heroes customized car, ship, or similar vessel I will load it up with contraband and let them try to explain their cargo to a neighboring realm’s authorities once they recapture it and flee my wrath in it!
  19. When I want revenge, I shall send paparazzi and scandal-mongers! Not even the greatest torturers of eld could make people die THAT many times!
  20. If I have equipment which performs a vital function it will be fully automatic! There will be none of this “inappropriate activation” or “someone hit the emergency shutdown” nonsense!
  21. I will not attempt to kill heroes by placing scorpions, snakes, spiders, or similar poisonous perils in their rooms! Cute sexual partners and the ensuing pregnancies or child support demands will fully occupy them anyway!
  22. If I get a hold of something that can only be used by the “Pure of Heart” I will check on pure WHAT before trying it!
  23. The automatic pie launcher turrets on my fortress will be fully capable of firing at each other or into the fortress! Nothing is funnier than watching heroes attempting to kill you with pies OR burying one under a pile of lemon cream!
  24. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public it shall be held at a proper convention center, rather than opening up my penthouse stronghold to noisy pests!
  25. Kidnap victims rarely turn in their best work! Prior to attempting any such nonsense, I will try to HIRE them, and offer any sons and daughters good jobs too! Or daycare, as appropriate!
  26. Should I ever set up a classic “deathtrap”, It shall have many possible modes of escape and I shall have my bookie taking bets on how the hero will get away! That way I will get SOMETHING out of it!
  27. Rather than attempting to get away in one of the dozens of fleeing escape pods, I shall take the form of a young hostage, or innocent offspring of a lieutenant, or some such, and let the heroes do all the work of rescuing and protecting me!
  28. My guards will have ready access to snacks and drinks with plenty to share! Fat, happy, sleepy, prisoners are a lot less trouble!
  29. I will employ comedic robots as my agents of destruction! They are far more likely to bring down a building or something by accident than an intentionally destructive robot is likely to accomplish anything on purpose!
  30. When I force heroes to fight each other in the arena it will be with pies! Why should I equip people for arena battles with any lesser weapon?
  31. All members of my staff will have Hawaiian shirts and straw hats. No hero would be caught dead in such an outfit anyway.
  32. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoners reach! It shall be under an ominous looking button in the cell labeled “push if extremely bored or suicidal”. After all, if they’re willing to push THAT button, it’s time to let them out!
  33. Before appointing someone as a trusted lieutenant, I shall reveal that I know all about their hidden treacheries and intent to aid the hero, but tell them that I am willing to trust them with a second chance!
  34. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my stronghold has been associating with the hero, I shall give her a parting bonus, tell her to go and find her true love, and give her coupons for a splendid one-month honeymoon. My stronghold is a conjuration, and will only take a few minutes to redesign, or move, or both, anyway and the current color scheme WAS getting a little old…
  35. If I am escaping in a vehicle and the hero is pursuing me in another one I shall immediately switch the genre to Mario Go-Kart and start dumping huge heaps of conjured junk out the back, starting with ten thousand bouncy balls.
  36. My Doomsday Machine will be HERO BAIT. How many times do I have to point out that I LIVE HERE TOO!
  37. If I make a bomb, it will be a cake, properly filled with ice cream and fudge, and anyone who tries to disarm it will look like a right prat.
  38. When spending funds, I will invest in anything I please. I have no shortage of money and will simply create my bases and fortresses to suit anyway. Giant Neon Gothic Fortress with Digital Clocktower from the Baron Ectar school of architecture for the win!
  39. The passageways within my fortress will be dimly lit by flickering battery-powered torches for the ambience! That is what Night-Sight spells are for!
  40. If the strange noises in the forest seem to be coming from some small and harmless woodland creature, I shall either get Tarzan to call a stampede or – if really desperate – send out Angel Bunny.
  41. When my guards check an apparently empty cell, they shall rinse it out with a high-pressure firehose before sending for an elderly martial artist cleaning lady who appears totally harmless! If someone is hiding under the bed or something, they can just enjoy their bath!
  42. I will have lots of children! I like children! And any who like may try to overthrow me, starting at age six or so! They may take turns until they are bored and the paperwork is making them cry and they need cuddles!
  43. I will keep a wide variety of special prizes for kids around that they will need a cooperative hero to claim! This will give all of my kids AND the local kids a major incentive to find heroes, lead them to me, and insist on the heroes repaying them by helping them get and carry various piñatas’, giant boxes of candy, and huge stuffed animals along the way!
  44. If one of my sons or daughters pairs up with a hero or heroine, I will promptly hold a parade for them and dote endlessly over the possibility of grandchildren while swamping them with cribs, toys, stuffed animals, and baby supplies. Aphrodisiacs and fertility drugs will not, however, be included in the gifts until three months after the wedding.
  45. When my guards are shooting at the hero they will use super-expanding pies which grow to fill the entire corridor or similar space where they’re aimed. That way he or she is sure to get creamed!
  46. My dungeon decor shall feature plenty of whispering galleries, although there shall be occasional interruptions by pop-up advertisements for My Little Pony collectible toys.
  47. If there are reports of any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be the appropriate safety organizations will be notified and well-meaning assistance will be dispatched.
  48. My lieutenants shall be entirely trusted to foul things up! If they ever accomplish anything useful in addition to being entertaining it will be a pleasant surprise!
  49. When my enemies break out an impossible device to use against me, I shall geek out over it, teleport into the midst of their party, and start discussing possible improvements. No crazed gadgeteer can resist explaining at great length to anyone who takes an interest!
  50. There will be ropes suitable for swinging from, or holding up heavy chandeliers and tapestries, in every possible location, and my guards will all be trained to use them to ascend, descend, and swing around as much as possible! It’s hysterical!