Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part II – The Grand Ballroom of Aberrant Aphorisms.

Now that I can get back to the blog and catch up a bit, today’s segment is dedicated to Jack Butlers version of the Evil Overlord List – so much the same and yet different in a variety of ways!

  1. Since nothing is more irritating than being defeated by basic math, physics, or logic, I shall always remember that I am a cartoon and am not subject to ANY of those things!
  2. A true ultimate weapon is defined by what it does NOT do! It should not harm forces favorable to you, or resources, infrastructure, or populations who can be brought into your service! Its use should not cause neutral groups to become hostile or inspire heroes to rise up against you! It’s use should not hinder your use of the areas targeted after it takes effect! It should not stop working after being used against an area, so that target areas will become permanently hostile to enemy forces! It should not inspire hostility against you or even any major efforts to evade it’s effects! It should be impossible for a enemies to use it to reverse it’s own effects! That is why my mad scientists, wizards, and psychic experts will be concentrating on Weaponized Friendship! That way, even if someone else should beat me to my ultimate weapon… I shall know that they will be my friends!
  3. If one of my guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in which the beautiful princess is being held (usually listening to me talk about myself), I will immediately assign him to bodyguard her! They could both probably use a little recreation!
  4. Since secret passages manifest spontaneously whenever needed, I shall just make sure that the rooms in the palace are equally mobile! When the heroes discover that. at the moment, the passage leads to the breakfast buffet (and food fight) rather than to my private quarters, they will soon have egg all over their faces! And probably uncomfortable bacon crumbles in their shorts!
  5. If the excessively beautiful noble, princess, or VIP that I capture says “I shall never marry you! Never, NEVER!!!!!”, I shall happily say “Who said anything about marriage? It’s not like anyone will ever believe that you’re a pure and virginal maiden after I captured you and imprisoned you in my quarters anyway! Wanna play Mai-Jong?”
  6. I will strike bargains with demonic beings that require them to go away so that we shall have no chance to get on each others nerves! It’s not like I need anything else that they’ve got to offer!
  7. Twisted mutants and psychotic lunatics will have their place in my hospitals! Once they’re cured, and likely loyal out of gratitude, I shall provide job education programs! For before I send them out to do anything, I want to be sure that they in reasonably good shape and competent to do it!
  8. My legions of cuddly will be trained with pies! Anyone who cannot hit a man-sized target in the face with a pie at ten paces will have to clean up and then keep practicing! After all, no hero would employ real violence in a pie fight, and that will keep my medical and bereavement expenses way, WAY, down!
  9. When employing any captured artifacts or machinery I will doubtless be in a great hurry or I’d have gotten a reliable version of my own built! So I shall have many lucky charms ready! And not rabbits feet! The rabbit had four of those, and look where IT wound up!
  10. If it becomes necessary to escape, I WILL HAVE MY MONOLOGUE, even if I must STOP TIME TO DO IT! (Unless I have it printed up in advance, in which case I shall just have leaflets dumped on the heroes).
  11. I will build all sentient computers to be smarter than I am! If they aren’t smarter than I am, why bother with them in the first place? Trust me, I can find PLENTY of STUPID without building expensive machines to provide it!
  12. I hate passwords! Everything is going to be on biometric locks in the first place! And that INCLUDES the guards weapons, vehicles, control panels, and other equipment!
  13. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I come up with a new scheme that is so insane that they will beg me to go back to the first one!
  14. I will not bother with a fortress! The world is full of ruined ones! They never work! I will get a nice building in the center of town, convenient for the shops, and surrounded by millions of people who will call the cops and S.W.A.T. teams if they think that some lunatic is about to start a battle in the middle of the city!
  15. Bulk trash will be sent to recycling! If it proves to contain escaping heroes, they will be given 200$ and be shipped to a dingy motel room in Boring Oregon!
  16. I will see a competent psychiatrist and see how long it takes him to refuse to see me any longer! He can then join the heroes and reveal to them that I am a cartoon just in case they have somehow failed to notice!
  17. I will not have a main control room. What is the point of having a sentient computer and still having to try to adjust fussy control systems with hooves?
  18. My security keypad will actually be an ordering system for pies, coffee, and doughnuts. If somebody authorized wants to come in and see me they should bring a snack! And if they do not know what they are doing, being soaked in hot coffee and covered in pie filling is a better hero deterrent than most! After all, anyone with a brain should know that Ponies do not use keypads for anything urgent!
  19. All surveillance cameras will have easily accessible “off” buttons! People do have a right to privacy, but when turned off the cameras will play a recorded message to the effect that any injuries received while off camera will not be the responsibility of the management!
  20. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. If necessary, I will send them back in time so that they HAVE to save me to avoid paradox. I may be immune to that, but they probably aren’t!
  21. All midwives will be properly trained, tested, and licensed, Children who wish to be raised by wild animals in a dangerous jungle can get that taken care of in public school, just like everybody else.
  22. My guards will not search for intruders. They will stay at the central information desks where they belong AND where they have partial cover! All the corridors lead there anyway, so any intruders will have to come to them!
  23. When I decide to test an underlings loyalty to me I will have extra jelly donuts available in case said underling is not loyal enough and eats the last one.
  24. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will go and have lunch while the servants throw them out. Heckling contests are beneath my dignity.
  25. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. What fun is that? Rigging a contest is beneath me! If they want to go free they can beat me FAIR AND SQUARE! I have many incredibly obscure board games that I never get to play otherwise anyway!
  26. When I create an elaborate, special-effects heavy, multimedia presentation of my plan so simple that a five-year-old can easily understand all the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it laying about!. If I went to all that trouble I must have meant it for wide distribution; I will arrange a several-hundred-screen theatrical release!
  27. If a hero proves too strong for a couple of my legionaries to arrest, I shall send in some of whatever sex he finds attractive to suffer wardrobe malfunctions. Heroes are notorious for seducing their enemies, but no matter how great the hero, ten or fifteen liaisons a day will keep him or her well-occupied, are easily affordable, and cost less than paying for treating casualties.
  28. If a hero is standing at the edge of a precipice, or balancing over molten lava, or involved in any such horrible safety hazard, I will pretend that I have lost track of them and have a member of the maintenance department offer to let said hero conceal themselves among the maintenance crew. That way I can get some work out of him or her AND get some proper safety rails installed around whatever silly hazard they’ve discovered. Also, fire my architect! WHY is there a giant pit on my bridge, chasm in my death star, or balcony overlooking the giant pit of fire anyway? If there’s no scenic view available, HANG A PAINTING.
  29. If I have a moment of even less sanity than usual and opt to offer the hero a job as one of my trusted lieutenants, I will make sure that said hero starts at lower pay and less benefits than my current trusted lieutenants. There’s no need to promote jealousy!
  30. I will tell my legions “Lethal weapons never work on heroes anyway, so I haven’t given you any! Just fire a netgun in their general direction with the intent to drag them before me and – if necessary – it will go around three trees, a log cabin, and an emu to ensnare them in an apparently, but not actually, secure fashion so that they can break loose in my throne room! You can’t fight the heroic narrative, so you might as well go along with it!”
  31. If a destroy-the-universe weapon happens to come with a reverse switch, I will have the whole thing melted down. If it worked, who would be left to throw it? If it doesn’t have a reverse switch I will melt it down anyway. The universe is where I keep my ME! Also, I shall find whoever it is who keeps BUILDING these things and LOCK THEM UP WITH A GOOD THERAPIST.
  32. If my weakest troops fail against a hero, I will want to know why they didn’t politely ask them to come down to the station for an interview in the first place. Real heroes never start anything first and my weakest troops have no business trying to deal with a hero in any other way!
  33. If I am fighting with a hero atop a moving platform and he glances behind me and drops flat, I shall use my dimensional powers to reduce my effective height until I am shorter than he now is AND on exactly the right level to hit him in the face with a pie! With any luck he will rear back in surprise and run his face into whatever it was he saw!
  34. If any of my heroic opponents are standing in front of a crucial support beam I will blast it myself and see how they get out of the ensuing collapse!
  35. If I am dining with a hero, have drugged his goblet, and then have to leave the table for any reason, I will not worry about it! I am immune to most of that stuff anyway, and I will have put anything I actually want to use in the air conditioning vents, so said hero might as well have his or her clever little moment of triumph!
  36. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. I will get them a nice reservation at a restaurant and hotel, with all expenses paid!
  37. The more complicated a plan the better! They never survive contact with the enemy anyway, so the more bits you have the more likely it is that you will be able to rearrange them into something amusing when the original plan is inevitably disrupted!
  38. I will make sure that my doomsday device is properly disabled, but full of ten thousand gallons of carbonated cream under high pressure! When the heroes go for the dramatic disarm, they’ll get creamed! And how many times must I point out that destroying the world you live on is a STUPID thing to do?
  39. My vats of hazardous chemicals will all be installed on the top floor so no one can fall into them! It’s not like they can bother me anyway…
  40. If a group of thugs fail miserably at a task, I will acknowledge that “thug” is a low-skilled and underpaid profession and send them to training! They can try again when they’re up to professional levels and have qualified for a morale-improving raise!
  41. After I capture the heroes superweapon I will dismantle it and scatter the pieces to hiding places across the world since it would never work for me anyway! By the time they’re done fetch-questing to put it back together I shall probably be done with all my projects AND will have had time for a long vacation!
  42. Any controls I must have will be personally accessible from my lounge! That way I can have someone cuddling and still manage my realm!
  43. I will have a trusted aide on duty to receive messengers no matter how busy I am! There is no point to being an Overlord if you have to do everything yourself! Also, bring MORE CAKE!
  44. Whenever I communicate with a hero there shall be the sounds of a big party and ongoing sex in the background! Most heroes are incredibly straight-laced, and will probably try to find a time to talk or attack when there is no party going on! Which shall be never!
  45. If I decide to get rid of a hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I shall tell them that their lives are now mystically linked, provide an illusion of that being true, and ship the underling off to some supposedly terrible danger a very long and difficult trip away! I will then give the hero a very slow horse and a choice of bus tickets to the wrong place.
  46. When arresting prisoners, my guards will permit them to pack and place a phone call! There is no reason to be rude!
  47. My holding areas will offer their choice of an excellent medical team or a cackling mad scientist focused on human augmentation available to treat any prisoner ailments!
  48. My door mechanisms will be designed to open automatically when people approach! Hooves, remember?
  49. My holding areas will be designed with secret passages in and out which only rather small children may transverse and will be well stocked with candy and toys! That way little kids can wander in and out to annoy the heroes – and if they are true heroes they will not be able to avoid babysitting, for which they shall be grossly underpaid!
  50. If a good-looking young pair enters my realm, the gossip police will keep an eye on them! If they are happy and affectionate, that’s fine! But if circumstances have forced them together against their wills and they alternate between quarreling with each and saving each others’ lives with hints of sexual tension, I will immediately send them each a huge gift certificate for the Sex Warehouse Superstore! Otherwise they are all too likely pull an Inuyasha-and-Kagome and take HUNDREDS OF EPISODES to GET TO THE POINT! I am NOT putting up with that again!
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4 Responses

  1. […] Prince Blueblood’s Aggravating Pony Overlord List Part II – The Grand Ballroom of Aberrant Apho… […]

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